Learning Christ's Dance

Why I have the best boyfriend EVER!

2010-12-31T16:11:00.000-08:00

So for anyone who has not already noticed, today (December 31st) is my birthday. My boyfriend, Ben, had asked me several days ago if I wanted him to drive down to Austin from Waco for my birthday to give me my present in person. I asked him if he would be ditching family New Year's Eve plans to do so, and he said yes, so I told him it would be perfectly fine if he waited until I got back to Waco on the 7th to give me my present. A day or two after that, he also told me that he had handwritten me a letter, and if the post office did it's job right, it would arrive on my birthday.

Apparently, all this was just a cover-up for what he was actually planning. My entire family was in on it, too.

This morning at 9, my mother came in and told me that I needed to get up and get dressed, since a couple of my sister's friends were coming over at 10 to practice for Bible quiz and I was supposed to coach them. I had forgotten about this, so my response was "It's my birthday. Let me sleep in." Mother decided not to push it for fear of giving something away. At 9:30 she came in, said "Okay, you're up, good," but I hadn't actually bothered to brush my hair, get dressed...anything. A few minutes later, my dad comes in and said, "This came in the mail."

It was a letter from Ben, that I very conveniently only glanced over once before opening the envelope. Otherwise it might have dawned on me that a stamp was missing on the envelope, so therefore it couldn't have come through the mail. I opened it up to find this:

I read the poem out loud to my parents, who had both entered my room at this point. The second half of the letter was a poem, which read thus:

Hnecca* is the place where this might rest.

It is a gift of silver, part ninety-seven at best.

It emphasizes your loveliness, this laqueus**.

My gift to you is a necklace.

Love,

Ben

*Old English for "neck". **Old English for "lace", or something like that.

At the bottom of the letter were the words: "P.S. (On back)" I flipped the paper over to find these two words:

"I'm outside"

For a split second I was completely confused, and then I realized that BEN IS AT MY HOUSE. My hair is a mess, I'm still in my pajamas...and Ben is downstairs!! My mom and dad started laughing first, and then I heard my sisters laughing really hard downstairs. I grabbed a sweater and threw it over my pajamas real quick, then went to the top of the staircase to see Ben waiting for me downstairs. At this point I was in so much shock and laughing/crying too hard, I actually had to stop and sit down at the top of the staircase to catch my breath. I finally was able to get my bearings, head downstairs and give Ben a hug.

I then quickly got dressed, brushed my hair and put on a little bit of makeup before going back downstairs and joining Ben and the rest of my family. We had breakfast together, then Ben and I played charades with Shannon and her friend Laura. Mom let me know that she recruited my friend Tabitha to coach Bible quiz practice so that I didn't have to.

After charades, I opened my presents. Ben got me this beautiful bouquet of flowers:

and the necklace that he had written about in his poem:

After presents, Ben took me to Marie Callendar's for lunch. Unfortunately, he had to leave at 2:30 to get back and spend New Year's Eve with his family, but the few hours that he was here were amazing. The whole thing was so sweet, and I was completely surprised.

2010 Review

2010-12-24T11:13:00.000-08:00

[]stayed single
[x] got kissed
[x] kissed someone new
[] kissed in the snow
[] kissed in the rain
[] had my heart broken
[X] celebrated Halloween
[] broke someone else's heart
[] had a stalker
[X] lost a friend
[X] had a good relationship with someone
[] had a bad relationship with someone
[] questioned my sexual orientation
[] came out of my closet
[] got pregnant
[] had an abortion
[] got married
[] had a divorce.
[] kissed someone of the same sex
[X] met someone that I will never forget
[X] did something I regret
[] lost faith in love for awhile
[x] cried over a broken heart
[X] pretended to be happy
[] kissed under mistletoe
[x] got a promotion
[X] got a pay raise
[] changed jobs
[] lost my job
[] quit my job
[] dated a co-worker
[] dated my boss
[] dated my boss's son/ daughter
[] got fired from my job
[] got straight A's
[] failed a class
[X] cut class
[X] skipped school
[X] did something I was proud of
[X] proved myself an idiot
[] embarrassed myself in front of the class
[] fell in love with a teacher
[X] was involved in something that I will never forget
[] painted a picture
[] wrote a poem
[] ran a mile
[X] listened to music I couldn't stand
[X] double dipped
[] skinny dipped
[X] went to a sleepover
[X] went to camp
[] threw a surprise party
[X] laughed till I cried
[] flirted shamelessly
[] visited a foreign country
[x] visited a foreign state
[] cooked a disastrous meal
[X] lost something important to me
[X] got a gift I love
[X] realized something new about myself
[] tried to gain weight
[] dyed my hair
[] came close to losing my life
[] someone close to me died
[] went to a wild party
[] got arrested
[X] read a great book
[X] saw a great movie
[] saw a movie so scary that it made me cry
[] saw a favorite band live
[X] did something that I want to tell everyone
[X] experienced something new
[X] made new friends
[X]found out who your real friends are
[] lied to your parents
[] snuck out
[] kissed in a pool
[] kissed under the stars
[] liked more than 5 people at once
[X] became closer to people
[X] went to a party
[X] had the time of your life
[X] happy danced
[] fell out of love
[X] had a crush on someone
[] changed your sexual preference
[X] swam in a pool
[] made a snowman
[] went snowboarding
[] went sledding
[] slept in past 2 pm
[X] held someone’s hand
[X] held someone’s hand that you care about
[x] told someone you like them as more than a friend
[x] gone on vacation
[] gone on vacation with a friend
[X] driven a car
[] played strip poker
[] danced in the rain
[] seen someone get in a car accident.
[] got in a fist fight.
[X] laughed until you couldn't breathe
[X] had an amazing year
[X] missed someone
[] got hit by car
[] blacked out
[X] feared the future
[] sent someone to the hospital
[] had to go to the hospital
[X] got sick
[] had a major surgery
[] got a new pet
[] mooned someone
[] went over your minutes on your cellphone
[] cut in a line of waiting people
[] kept your New Years resolution
[] remembered your New Years resolution
[X] met someone who changed your life
[X] given up on someone
[X] enjoyed this year overall

Spring 2011 Class Schedule

2010-12-23T13:10:00.001-08:00

16 hours total.

BL 3305-02-Legal Environment of Business-MWF 9:05-Agee

MGT 4336-03-Personnel/Human Resource Management-MWF 10:10-Cox

MGT 4333-01-Procurement and Materials Management-M 12:30-Moyer

BUS 3315-07-Integrated Business Writing-TTh 8:00-Young

MGT 4330-01-Project Management-TTh 11:00-Umble

MUS 1124-02-Class Voice-TTh 12:30-Johnson

I am considering dropping Human Resources Management to take Principles of Real Estate instead, which would push the total to 17 hours. We'll see though. Likely, I'll just end up keeping this schedule.

I am so blessed!

2010-11-26T16:20:00.000-08:00

Wow, I haven't posted on here in a long time. But for those of you who actually still check and/or read this blog, I just had to introduce you to the latest blessing in my life. That's right, I'm now dating somebody!!!

His name is Ben Smith. We've known each other since freshman year, but haven't been close friends until this semester. After spending a few weeks becoming closer friends, Ben asked me out. My original answer was actually no. But Ben was determined, and wouldn't take no for an answer! I eventually decided to give him a chance. This is the second-best decision I've ever made (way behind, obviously, the decision to trust Christ as Savior). We have been official since November 19th!

Ben is also a Baylor student and the same year I am (junior). He is a strong Christian, a gentleman, and one of the sweetest guys I have ever known. I cannot wait to see how God grows and matures both of us through this relationship.

Discussing Dating: Part 1

2010-08-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

I have been looking forward to my college pastor's series on dating ever since he announced it at the end of last semester. Today he started with part 1. Listen to it at the link below, and then come back and discuss it!

http://highlandbc.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=43556&PID=612834 (Click on Happily Ever After Part 1)

(For anyone who doesn't know my college pastor, be forewarned that he has a tendency to be sarcastic sometimes ;-) )

Potential discussion questions:

1) Anything he didn't discuss that you wish he had? I wish that he had at least mentioned something about "becoming" the right person, or living your life in a "marriage-minded" direction, stuff that can happen even before a first date. For example, in my opinion, a marriage-minded person tries to handle their finances well so that they don't come into marriage with debt (or are working to pay off any debt they already have), are involved in spiritual community to be actively growing as a believer, etc. Granted, he only had so much time to talk...I just wish he had at least mentioned that being "marriage-minded" can encompass more than just being proactive and asking people out on dates.

2) What do you think it means to be "marriage-minded"?

3) Anything he said that you disagree with?

4) What about the ladies' role? I, personally, am one of those two-thirds of the ladies who would never suggest dating to a guy. Maybe someday I'll change my opinion on this, but I can't get past the fact that even suggesting something romantic to a guy before he's asked me out seems like I'm taking away the "risk" factor. And that "risk" factor is, in my opinion, what separates the pansies from the men.

However, if we don't ever bring up the possibility, are their still other ways that ladies can encourage the guys around them to be proactive in the dating process?

Summer ends soon!

2010-07-30T11:28:00.000-07:00

Or, at least, my job ends and I head back to Waco in 17 days. I'm really excited about going back, though I know there are things about summer that I will miss.

What I will miss about summer:

1. Reading good books Hopefully I will make more time for this during the school year. With the extra time I've had this summer, I've made it a point to read some good quality literature. So far I've finished My Antonia, the entire My Side of the Mountain trilogy, and Eight Cousin and its sequel, Rose in Bloom. I had forgotten just how awesome reading is. I'm sure I'll read some during the school year, but there's won't be nearly as much time.

2. Rabbit Trails The awesome Bible study on Thursday nights where the Bible is the authority and no topic is taboo. And I get to see a lot of people that I don't get to see during the school year.

3. Seeing my family every day Because I love 'em. :)

4. Mommy's cooking And not having to cook for myself so much. It's nice to come home to a meal waiting for me after work.

What I'm looking forward to at school:

1. My awesome new apartment It's so awesome and sophisticated. I'm really looking forward to living there.

2. Walking places I never thought I would say this, but I'm getting tired of driving. I'm looking forward to being able to walk everywhere again.

3. Connection Group I'm really looking forward to seeing the girls again and studying the Bible with them.

4. Awana I'm especially looking forward to seeing Mrs. Arnold, Mrs. McDonald, and my girls again. :)

5. Getting involved in Student Foundation, Hankamer Christian Fellowship, and the Association of Logistics, Procurement, and Supply Chain Students.

6. Seeing my friends again. :)

Counting down the days...

For those who have asked: Dating vs. Courting

2010-06-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

Last night I officially went on my first date ever (and last date with this particular guy, we decided we're just going to be friends). Some people think that this means that I left the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" viewpoint that I had in highschool behind. Well, partially yes, but mostly no. For those of you wondering how my viewpoint on romantic relationships has changed since high school, here's a general explanation on what I believe now.

First, I think most people have missed the point of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". Kissing dating goodbye is not about never going on dates. By "dating", Joshua Harris meant an attitude and a lifestyle--an attitude that romance is all about me, and finding someone that I enjoy being with, and a lifestyle of "trying on" different people romantically. That is what Joshua Harris kissed goodbye. When he finally did meet and court his bride, he took her on dates. The fact that I went on one date (and plan on going on more should another guy of godly character ask me) does not mean that I'm changing my attitude toward romantic relationships.

God is Lord over my love life.

I pursue purity in both mind and body.

Every relationship is for the purpose of glorifying God.

My responsibility in any relationship is to pursue God's will.

These sum up my attitude toward relationships, romantically involved or not. This was my attitude in high school, and that attitude has not changed.

I still think dating when you're not ready for marriage is pointless. That's why I never dated--or even just "went on one date"--in high school. I knew I wasn't ready to get married. I still recommend that high school students avoid romantic relationships and "dating" until they are at least out of high school. But I am no longer in the "not ready for marriage" stage. If the right guy comes along, I could realistically marry him within the next 6 to 12 months. (Obviously, this would not be realistic with every guy, so I'm only open to pursuing relationships with guys who I could realistically marry within this time frame.) Could that potentially mean being a married college student? Yes. Could that potentially mean not finishing college? Yes. Are either of those things to be avoided? I honestly don't think so. I'm open for whatever God's will is. And over this past year, God has made it pretty clear that I am no longer in the "sit back and wait" stage. I am now officially in the "sit up, look and pay attention" stage. Or, for those of y'all that speak Joshua Harris, I've moved on from "I've Kissed Dating Goodbye" to "Boy Meets Girl".

I think debating dating vs. courtship is pretty useless. I quit using the term "courting" when I got to college, because it confused people too much (or they associated it with negative views of Joshua Harris). Nowadays, I'm more likely to say something like "biblical dating". While we can debate specifics (such as, should the guy ask out the girl first, or should he go and ask the father before the girl even knows he's interested?), the plain and honest truth is that there is no one-size-fits-all for every romantic relationship. I've seen plenty of relationships that were hybrids between what people traditionally think of as "dating" and "courting". As long as a relationship is conducted in a way that is pleasing to God, that emphasizes purity and accountability, let's not get hung up over specifics.

In my case, it doesn't look like any relationship I have will fit the traditional "courting" mold for several reasons. Anyone who is interested in these reasons may ask me, but I'm not going to go into them here. Nevertheless, I don't think that disqualifies me from having God-centered relationships. I still plan on "courting" as I plan on having a relationship/relationships that emphasize high family involvement, accountability to the church, service to God, and purposefully moving in the direction of marriage be it God's will. If not following a lock-step guide to getting there disqualifies me from "courting", so be it. That's not my concern. My concern is conducting my relationships in a God-glorifying manner.

I went on one date with Josh to see if God had anything further planned for us beyond friendship. I had seen his godly character in action and wanted to get to know him better as an individual, and in our particular circumstances, a date was pretty much the only way to do that. Josh treated me very respectfully on our date, and our conversation was really interesting and God-centered. At the end of the date though, Josh made it clear he wasn't interested in anything beyond friendship. And I'm okay with that, I think God's will for us after that date was pretty clear. I don't have any regrets, and when Mr. Right does finally come along, I won't have any qualms telling him about Josh.

Halfway There

2010-05-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

After I take my last final tomorrow, I will officially be halfway done with my college career.

That is an incredibly scary thought.

So much has changed over the past couple of years. So many things have changed over this past year. So many things have changed over this past semester.

And things will continue to change. I'll continue to grow as a person and in my relationship with God. New friendships will be made, some old friendships will dissolve. I'll continue to learn new skills as I pursue my degree. I'll learn new skills and have a whole new set of experiences through Student Foundation and Hankamer Christian Fellowship. Hopefully I'll make new friends through those organizations as well. Maybe I'll finally figure out what I want to do with my life (haha...as if I'll every know...)

Two years from now, I hope to at least have an idea of what I want to do with my life. Hopefully I will have met someone special and will at least be engaged, if not married. (But if not, that's okay. God knows best.) But most importantly, two years from now I hope to be closer to God than I ever have been before.

As I reflect on these past two years of college, and especially this past year, there are some things that I just have to thank God for.

First off, words cannot describe how incredibly thankful I am for my mom. Today is mother's day, and I'd like to take a moment to rant about how amazing my mom is. Words cannot describe how much I love her, or how lost I would be without her. Whenever I have had problems and I need advice, she is the first person I call. And she has never failed me. Seriously, my mother has never once steered me wrong with her advice. She is one of the wisest people I know. I am also happy to be able to say that my mom really is my best friend. I may not call her as often as I should, but she always gets the full run-down on how life is going whenever I go home. She knows me better than anyone else does, and is genuinely my number one fan in life. I am so thankful that God has given me the mom that He has. I only hope that I can one day be as wise and caring as she is.

But where would I be without Dad? I would be lying if I didn't say my dad is pretty awesome too. :) Like my mom, he's also really wise and gives good advice. He's a really hard-working person and is really inspiring. Even in the midst of his busyness, he always takes time to invest in my life. I'm really thankful for my daddy.

I'm thankful for Mrs. McDonald and Mrs. Arnold. Even though I only talk to these women about once a week, they probably have no clue how much they help me keep my sanity. Although I know and love a lot of people my own age, I NEED interaction with adults. There's not much of that kind of interaction in college world, apart from professors. These two women, especially Mrs. McDonald, have given me that interaction I need to stay sane and mature. My only regret is that I haven't invested as much in my relationships with these women as they have with me. Mrs. McDonald especially. She actually asks, cares, and remembers what's going on in my life! Only recently have I realized how much of a blessing these women have been in my life.

I'm thankful for Kyle Dunn. My amazing college pastor who really, truly, honestly cares about his students. Which, in a college ministry of around 400 students, is a difficult thing to do. But this man really has taken a personal interest in his students. While he may not get to talk to everyone personally, he really does care and has shown that he is available when he is needed. After the accident last semester, he sat down with me and talked through all the ugly and confusing emotions that resulted from that. I still have the notes he wrote from that conversation on my wall. I am so thankful to be able to say that my college pastor is a man of God. He roots his sermons in Scripture, and really runs a Bible-centered ministry. The ministry mic and the two weeks of spiritual disciplines shows that this man is a man of action and application, not just theory and words.

I'm thankful for living fairly far off-campus without a car. Not being able to just walk anywhere whenever I wanted taught me several things. It caused me to be more intentional about how I used my time. It taught me to plan ahead better. It taught me to prioritize. Living in an off-campus apartment caused me to mature a little bit more. Still having to depend on rides from people enhanced some friendships that may have otherwise stayed a little more stagnant. Honestly, some friendships faded a little more easily due to not having such easy access to people. But as hard as it is to admit, I'm thankful for that because it helped me to discern who my true friends really are.

I'm thankful for friendships that grew stronger (and, as weird as it may seem, friendships that dissolved) I'm especially thankful for friends that I can have honest conversations about God, relationships, and hopes and dreams with. Friends that encourage me to think in a God-centered manner. I'm also thankful that God has taught me that friendships need to be invested in. And I'm thankful that God is giving me wisdom about which friendships to invest in.

I'm thankful for the accident Although I still don't understand why God let the men die, I realized that I had some wrong views about God that the accident helped correct. During difficult situations like that, you discover what theology you really believe. I realized I was asking the wrong questions and my perspective on my role wasn't accurate. I stopped asking "Why did it happen?" and started asking "What do you want to teach me through it?" I also realized that I needed to be more humble. While I have a relationship with God so that I can ask Him questions, He is still God and is not under any obligation to answer them. The fact that He does is a blessing, not something He is obligated to do for me.

I'm thankful for visits to HPU And I'm especially thankful for long walks and deep conversations with Adam Hardy and Charity Chambers.

I'm thankful that God has been teaching me about intentionality This lesson has had several applications in my life. I've been learning that a close relationship with God doesn't just happen, that I have to put effort in it through prayer, Bible reading, service, and other spiritual disciplines. I've learned that who I am and who I will be doesn't just happen. I can decide who I want to be through choosing who I spend time with, what I read/watch/listen to, and what activities I take part in. I've learned that it's okay to be intentional about wanting to get married and pursuing activities and relationships that will help get me there (thank you Boundless!). I've realized that if I want to get something in life, such as a good job or internship, I have to pursue it, I can't just expect it to drop in my lap. If I want to be good at what I do, I have to practice, be it at writing, managing, or swing dancing. While I definitely believe in the sovereignty of God, I also believe that attitude and effort determines where you end up in life. God can force a close relationship with me if He wants, but He's not going to. That's up to me. I believe it's the same with the rest of life. God can force things to happen, but I don't think He will. I think He lets us reap the consequences of our actions. If we want to get somewhere, to do something, we need to work on getting there. Reaping what we sow is a biblical concept.

Last, but not least, I'm glad that God gives me purpose There are days when this can all seem pretty pointless. Why am I pursuing this degree, why did I choose this major, why did I choose these activities? Without God, it would all seem pretty pointless. It's awesome to know that God planned my life out before the foundation of the world, and He has a purpose for everything. I'm thankful that I even have a God to serve, because honestly, without someone to serve, the only person left to serve is me. And that's pretty pointless. I'm glad that at the end of it all, when it seems like all the effort I've put forth in this world is worthless, Jesus is coming back. To tell you the honest truth, I don't know why Jesus coming back gives me a reason to keep pursing my college degree. But somehow it does, and I'm thankful for that.

What has God done for you this year that you're thankful for?

Think About It

2010-04-30T06:56:00.000-07:00

Random thought that I've brought up with my amazing Journey girls this semester:

Back in Old Testament times where people, on average, lived to be several hundred years old (Noah was over 600 when he started building the ark), a boy was considered a man and a girl was considered a woman when they turned 12.

Now, with an average life span of less than a century, we don't consider people adults until they're at least 21...more like 25.

Something just seems wrong with that.

There's a difference between being a kid at heart and still being a kid. It seems most of the people around the late teens/early 20s mark that I know are the latter. And I don't think that's how God meant it to be:

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But when I became a man, I put away childish things."-1 Corinthians 13:11

By the way, my friends Alex and Brett have written a whole book on this subject. If you haven't read Do Hard Things yet, you should. It's mostly geared toward teenagers, but people of all ages will find it helpful. I have a copy that I'm willing to lend. :) Boundless.org also has some great articles on this geared toward the college-aged crowd, including The Peter Pan Syndrome.

Fall 2010 Class Schedule

2010-04-09T06:32:00.000-07:00

My first schedule with NO 8 AMs!!!!! YAY!!!

Also my first semester where the majority of my classes actually relate to my major. What a concept. :)

FIN 3310-02-Introduction to Financial Management-MWF 9:05-Potts

MGT 4320-02-Negotiation and Conflict Resolution-MW 2:30-Hunter (<--I am SO AMAZINGLY EXCITED about this class!)

MGT 3320-01-Distribution Management-TTh 11:00-Parris

MIS 3305-08-Management Information Systems-TTh 12:30-Koch

MGT 3325-07-Operations Management-TTh 3:30-Umble

Life is Tough

2010-04-02T13:39:00.000-07:00

The title pretty much sums it up.

I don't mean tough in an emo, "my life is really difficult" kind of way. I just mean that life is a balancing act. It is not easy to decide where the balance lies in a lot of areas. For example, is it better to be blunt and tell a friend the hard and honest truth, or is it better to let things slide if you know there's a possibility that the truth will hurt feelings, or is there a middle-of-the-road approach? Or when you know your current lifestyle is not satisfying all your needs, nor is it giving you a chance to pursue what you really want. How do you go about pushing your life to head in a different direction without giving up what is good about your current life? How do you decide what is good, what is better, and what is best, and is there a way to pursue the better without giving up the good? Or, maybe sometime's it's necessary to give up the good to pursue the best.

Right now, I'm really glad that God talks a lot about wisdom in the Bible. That's something that I need a huge dose of right now.

I hope that this post has been sufficiently vague enough. If you think that you know what I'm talking about...keep it to yourself. I just watched Mean Girls for the first time this week, and was very disgusted by the ugliness of the gossip and rumors. I have no desire for gossip and rumors in my world. Please help me in keeping this little corner of the world rumor and gossip-free.

But for a non-vague tidbit...how do you get the cute Christian guy who sits behind you in class to ask you out on a date? :P

Hero

2010-03-12T12:32:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this isn't really a paradigm shift to me, just something that I was thinking about recently. But maybe it will be a paradigm shift to someone else.

What makes a hero? That we could debate

Is a hero a constant state of being, like being male or female

Or is it something we grow into, like being a man or a woman

Or is it something we are for a fleeting moment

Yet recognized forever

Such as an olympic gold medal winner

Or is it something that comes and goes

Like a world record holder

Who knows

This I am convinced of, though

A true hero isn't made by accomplishing spectacular feats

Everybody can be a hero

Sometimes you'll be recognized as a hero by everybody

Other times, nobody will know except you and God

But I'm convinced that everyone can be a hero

For what is a hero

Except someone who simply puts others before themselves

When a friend needs a shoulder to cry on

And you are there, you are a hero

When your partner needs a task done

And you do it for them, even though you don't have to, you are a hero

When someone is to blame for something

And you take the blame, even though you're at fault

You're a hero, even if they never realize it

Most of the time, opportunities to be a hero are small

Overlooked

But many times, just a small dose of selflessness

Could transform you from the person who made the problem worse

To somebody's hero

Yes, you have needs too

And there are many times when standing up for what you need is good

But there are times when you should forget your own needs

And that was one of those times

I can't say what you were thinking

But to me the right thing to do seemed obvious

If you didn't feel like being a hero

You didn't have to be

You could have ignored the situation

Instead, you had to go and make it worse

Is it really that difficult to see that sometimes what you need just doesn't matter

That the right thing to do is to give up your need for a moment

You didn't have to come and try to help

Although if you did, you could have been her hero

I just think it's so sad

That in a moment where you could have been a hero

You not only chose not to be

But became the enemy

The choice seems so clear and so simple to my eyes

Maybe its not to yours

Yet the fact remains

You could have been a hero

But you weren't

Sooo...what exactly is sin?

2010-03-10T10:54:00.000-08:00

If you're like me and you've grown up in the church, you probably think the answer to the above question is really, really simply. Especially if you were taught a short, simply, Sunday School-type answer like "Sin is anything we think, say, or do that goes against what God says in the Bible."

But could it be that the simple Sunday School definition misses the point?

I think the traditional definition of sin that we all grew up with is closer to the Wikipedia definition of sin rather than the actual meaning of the word: sin is the concept of acts that violate a moral rule (Wikipedia).

First and most obvious problem with the Wikipedia definition is that "acts" is too narrow--the Bible clearly demonstrates that their are thoughts, attitudes, and lifestyles that are sinful. Second is that sometimes there aren't cut-and-dry "moral rules". Sometimes there are--the ten commandments are an obvious example. But other times, we are simply given general principles to live by.

So what exactly is sin? The Greek word for sin is hamartia, which literally translates "to miss or fall short". In the Greek, this word is often used in the context of archery, meaning "to miss the target". It doesn't carry the connotation of aiming for the wrong thing. It carries the connotation of aiming for the right thing and missing.

Sin is not simply a list of actions, thoughts and attitudes that displease God. Sin is anything that falls short of God's glory. So for all of us who memorized Romans 3:23, "For all of sinned and fall short of the glory of God", it's time for a paradigm shift. We don't fall short of the glory of God because we sin (as I thought for so long). We sin because we fall short of the glory of God. James 4:17 is also a good passage to keep in mind--"To him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin." If sin was only a list of don't's, this verse wouldn't apply very well.

So many times we ask ourselves the wrong question: "Is this wrong?" when what we really should be asking is "Does this help me grow to be more like Christ? Would I want Jesus Christ to sit next to me as I listen to this music/watch this movie/etc.?"

Phillipians 4:8 is a good passage to look to when deciding whether something is okay or not. The question is not "What is wrong with this?" but "What is right?"

I'll use a very obvious example to illustrate the difference--boundaries in dating. Too many people ask the question "How far is too far?" when contemplating physical boundaries with their significant other. That question shows a misunderstanding of sin. The question isn't "How much can I get away with?" but rather "How can I glorify God in this relationship?" God's standard isn't a line to be played with. God's standard is purity and treating the other person with respect. In the end, the practical application may be different for everyone. I know that I don't want anyone kissing me unless they're seriously committed to me. This is why I've decided I'm saving my first kiss for the day I get engaged at least, if not my wedding day. Other people may have no problem kissing their boyfriend or girlfriend while dating--that's between them and God. But I don't consider my standard a "line". Instead, I've decided I want to pursue purity in my relationships and treat others the way I want to be treated.

So let us quit asking what is sin and what is not, and let us pursue God's standards. We will fall short, yes, and let us repent and ask forgiveness when we do. But let's shift our focus off of a list of rules and onto striving for Christlike character. For as Proverbs says, the heart is the wellspring of life (paraphrased). If we have Christlike character, our actions will follow.

It's Okay to be Judgmental

2010-03-09T15:36:00.000-08:00

You probably read the title of this post and immediately though, what? She's out of her mind. That's definitely false. What about "Judge not lest ye be judged"? That's in the Bible.

First off-yes, that is in the Bible. But it's been twisted. Allow me (or more accurately, God through me) to potentially shift your paradigm when it comes to the issue of judging.

First off, what does it mean to be judgmental? Typically, people say someone else is "judging" them when they perceive the other person to disapprove of their choices. Technically, "judging" means calling anything either right or wrong, but the vast majority of the time, "judging" carries a negative connotation. In my experience, there are several different types of judging, some right, some wrong.

There are a few types of wrong judgment that are very obvious. For example, treating someone differently because they don't wear name-brand clothing is very, very wrong. Treating someone else in a disrespectful manner due to a morally wrong choice they made is also wrong--two wrongs don't make a right. Some more "subtle" examples of this kind of judging are also wrong. For example, cutting off a friendship completely because you differ on a morally "gray" area is probably not necessary (unless they are asking you to do stuff that goes against your conscience, such as watching a movie that has content you are not comfortable with).

However, most of the time when people complain about other people being "judgmental", they are simply complaining that someone else has a moral issue with a choice they made. Most of the time the people haven't actually treated them disrespectfully, but they can't stand the thought that anyone would dare make a moral judgment about their choice.

Making moral judgments about other people's choices, however, is not just okay--it's necessary. It's necessary in order to decide how much time you should be spending with someone. It's necessary in order to know how to pray for them. It's necessary so that you don't get sucked into their wrong choices. It's necessary because the Bible commands it.

Are you serious? You may be asking. Completely:

Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment. John 7:24

And the verse that you're probably quoting in your head right now in order to refute me? Let's take a look at that verse in context:

1Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ²For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

³"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:1-5

First off, let's think about the crowds that Jesus was talking to. These were a very religious people, taught by the Scribes and the Pharisees, two religious groups that are well-known for their legalism. They were concerned with the correct religious appearance on the outside, not about their heart attitude toward God. Judging with a wrong attitude is wrong.

But that doesn't mean that all judgment is wrong. Take a second look at verse 5 again. Most people just see the beginning part "First take the plank out of your own eye..." and miss the second part "...and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." It's assumed that eventually you will remove the speck from your brother's eye. You're not going to just leave it there.

What Jesus is saying in this passage is NOT "You're not perfect, so don't judge anyone" like so many people think He's saying. What He's actually doing is warning us about judging. As is said in verse 2, others will judge us the way we judge others. If you get onto somebody about not spending time in the Word daily, people will hold you accountable to be in the Word daily. If you question people's choices of friends, people will scrutinize who you choose to befriend. Be sure that you are right with God in a particular area before making a moral judgment about someone else in that same area. Beware the plank in your eye before judging the speck in your brother's.

So if you're disobedient to your parents, don't confront your friend about his or her disobedience to their parents. First, deal with your sin before confronting someone else about theirs. But don't use this passage to avoid confronting fellow brothers and sisters in Christ about their sin. And definitely avoid using the passage in order to justify not using discernment at all.

As long as your motives and behavior are in line, making judgments about others behavior is not just okay, it's required. Sometimes you won't come to a definite decision--you may decide that it's a gray area. But you need to be exercising discernment.

And if you feel that someone else has been judgmental of you, it may be time to step back and re-evaluate. Too many times, people put up walls and refuse to listen to other people, saying "Don't judge me" and using the Bible improperly to justify their defensiveness. If you feel that you have been judged, there are a few questions I have for you:

Is it possible that they're right? Or at the very least, that they see something that you don't? Even if they are being wrongfully judgmental, we should always be looking to see if their's some truth in what they're saying.

Have they actually changed how they're treating you because of your choice? Are they treating you disrespectfully? Most of the time, people haven't changed their behavior. We just feel like they have because we expect their disapproval. If they have changed their behavior, is it justified? For example, have they stopped hanging around you because they are uncomfortable with a behavior, such as excessive drinking or cussing?

Have you changed the way you've treated them? Have you given them a reason to be wary of you? I have had people tell me outright "Don't you dare be judgmental of me" right after telling me about something I don't approve of. To put it bluntly, that puts me in a really difficult spot! Especially if it's a brother or sister in Christ. Notice that you're doing the same thing you're accusing the other person of doing--being judgmental! If you change your behavior or attitude towards others, of course they're probably going to change their behavior and attitude towards you.

There is a lot of judging going on in this world that is wrong. A lot. But our culture has gone to the opposite end of the extreme in teaching that all judgment is wrong. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is okay to be judgmental. Don't be scared of morally discerning other's actions. As long as your motives are right and your basing your discernment upon God's Word, judge with confidence. If you feel that you've been judged, it may be time for a paradigm shift on your end.

Judge with right judgment.

The most impacting paradigm shift I've experienced

2010-03-02T14:17:00.000-08:00

This was originally a post I made on an old blog of mine called "God Said It Best", which turned into my senior speech at Grace Covenant Church, which turned into my original oratory speech in the NCFCA. Over the years (wow, it's literally been a couple years) since I originally wrote it, I have seen people both freed by their understanding of this message, as well as get really angry and fight against it with all their might. It's probably the most controversial of all the paradigm shifters I'm going to post about, but it's the biggest one with the most far-reaching impact. It will impact your understanding of who God is, who you are, and your place in God's plan.

The title of this message?

God Does NOT Care About Your Happiness.

Translation: By "not caring", I mean that when God (who is all-knowing, all-wise, and all-powerful) decides how He is going to arrange the circumstances in your life, your happiness is not a factor in His decisions. God's goal is not for you to be happy.

Old paradigm: "God wants me to be happy. He died on the cross because He couldn't stand the thought of living without me. If I had been the only one on earth, He still would have died for me."

You probably think that you don't view things through this paradigm, but chances are you probably do. This paradigm manifests itself in many different ways-from the miniscule, almost unnoticeable to the big and devastating.

The Truth: God did not die for you because you are special. You are special because God died for you. God is more concerned that you grow in character than He is about you feeling happy. Happiness is not a goal that God strives for, and neither should we. God's main goal is His glory, and when we strive for that goal, we experience joy and true happiness. Happiness is a byproduct, not a goal.

I'm surprised by the number of people who justify disobedience to God based on what they think will make them happy. "You have no clue what I've gone through/am going through", they say. "Surely God understands. The rules don't exactly apply in my situation."

Um, let me break it to you. God doesn't understand. His rules apply regardless of your situation. Show me one verse in the Bible where it says that God's goal is for you to be happy. No really, I challenge you to look. If you find it, I want to see it. We hear so much in church about how "God love you so much that if you had been the only one on earth, God would have died for you".

That's not in the Bible.

What is in the Bible is this: "God presented Him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in His blood. He did this to demonstrate His justice, because in His forbearance He had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished—He did it to demonstrate His justice at the present time, so as to be just and the One who justifies those who have faith in Jesus."-Romans 3:25-26, emphasis mine.

Why did God let Jesus die on the cross? To have a restored relationship with us, yes. But I don't believe that was the primary purpose.

But wait! you say. What about Romans 5:8, where it says that "God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us"?

Notice a word that is common between those two verses. Yes, God sent Jesus to die in our place because He loves us. I'm not arguing against that. What I am saying is that God's love for us was a secondary purpose. I very important secondary purpose, yes, but a secondary purpose nonetheless.

Did you find the word?

The word is demonstrates.

God didn't have to die for us. But He did because it brought Him glory. It demonstrated parts of His character-His justice (as Romans 3:25-26 says) as well as His love (Romans 5:8). Demonstrating His character through the cross brought glory to God.

I've had many people tell me that if I was the only one on earth, Christ would have died for me. I can't find it in the Bible. What I do find is verses that tell me that Christ's death brought glory to God. If I had been the only one on earth, and dying for me still brought God glory, I'm sure He would have done it. But if it didn't bring Him glory, I don't believe He would have.

I went off on a tangent about the cross because I wanted to point out something--God's primary goal. It's not to love us. Not to make us happy. It's to bring glory to Himself.

Christians today, especially American Christians, have gotten the wrong view that God's goal is to make humans happy. That God is some sort of "genie in a bottle" to grant us our wishes and make us comfortable. Nothing could be further from the truth.

So, in the grand scheme of things, what does bringing glory to God mean for us? The answer is found in Romans 8:29: For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.

A lot of people use this verse to debate predestination, and miss the point. God's goal for Christians is clearly spelled out in this verse: conformity to the image of Christ. Happiness is a byproduct of pursuing conformity to Christ. Actually, let me take that back for a second.

"Happiness" is a pretty vague word. Often, "happiness" is used interchangeably with "joy", although the two mean very different things. Happiness is an emotion, while joy is a character quality. Anything can give us happiness, but only pursuing conformity to Christ can give us true joy.God gives us opportunities to develop Christlike character qualities. Sometimes (dare I say, oftentimes), that means that God arranges circumstances that will actually make us unhappy and uncomfortable.

However, if we take those opportunities to develop Christlike character, we will develop joy, which is superior to happiness. As I said, happiness is an emotion. Thus it is fleeting. Joy, on the other hand, is a character quality, and thus is constant.

So, paradigm shift: Stop thinking that God cares about your happiness. He cares about your character. Put God in His rightful position. Pursue His goals, and you will find yourself truly joyful.

Heaven, we need some paradigms shifted

2010-03-02T07:21:00.000-08:00

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."-Charles H. Duell, U.S. Commissioner of Patenets, in 1899

Sounds pretty stupid, no? But he was convinced it was true.

I had the privilege of a two hour drive with my sister this past Sunday, and we talked a lot about paradigms. For those of you who don't know what a paradigm is, it's basically your point of view, your belief system, your frame of reference. Actually, everyone has multiple paradigms. Paradigms are like the glasses through which we see the world. Most of the time, we have inaccurate or incomplete paradigms, and it's like seeing the world through glasses with the wrong prescription. Props to Sean Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens, for the glasses analogy. Speaking of that book, by the way, my sister is currently reading it, and I read it several years ago. Highly, highly recommended book. I have a copy of it here with me at college and I'm willing to lend it to anyone who wants to read it.

But back to the point. We were talking about paradigms, and how most of the time our paradigms are inaccurate and cause us to view things in a skewed manner. For example, have you ever had a friend who is usually talkative become very quiet around you, and you assume that you did something wrong? When you finally talked to them about it, it turned out that they were having a bad day--maybe they were worried about their grade in a class, or they had just gotten in a fight with another friend. Your paradigm was inaccurate because you had incomplete information. Once you had the additional information, your paradigm was shifted.

Other times, our paradigms are messed up because we have messed up beliefs to begin with. For example, you may believe that you aren't good at a particular subject, such as math or science. When you get a low grade on a test, you may conclude that it's because you just can't learn the material, even though the truth is that you can learn the material, and it's likely that the material on the test was just difficult.

When we have messed up paradigms, we end up making statements that sound just as stupid as the quote at the beginning of the post. The thing is, most of the time nobody realizes just how stupid the statements really are. For example:

"God doesn't care where I go to college/who I marry/etc."

"You can't judge me. You don't understand where I'm coming from!"

"You can't judge me, the Bible says not to judge."

"That can't be God's will, because it won't make me happy."

"You need to date a lot of people to figure out what kind of person you want to marry."

"God, You better have an explanation for that one."

"God, do You even care?"

"I'm this way because of how I grew up/my parents/my education/etc."

"It's part of my personality, I can't help it."

I'm sure anyone reading this has probably said something on the above list, or something similar, before. I know I have. I know I've probably offended someone with the above list.

I don't care.

And here's why:

Over the past several years of my life, God has shown me a lot of truths that go against a lot of what is taught in youth groups, sunday schools, churches, and bible studies today. Some of the things that are taught are just flat out wrong. Others are partially true, but must be balanced against another side of the coin. The result of these wrong or skewed teachings, though, is having a devastating effect on my generation and the generations below me.

Over the next few days I want to post a few of the most major paradigm shifters God has revealed to me, through His Word, other people who are wiser than I, books, sermons, etc. My hope is that others can have their perspectives change the way mine has. I'm not perfect, or even close to perfect, by any means. I'm just a child of God who is frustrated by all the messed up paradigms she sees around her. God can free this generation of the paradigms holding us back. But in order to do so, we must be willing to listen to the truth.

Learning About Trust

2010-03-01T18:04:00.000-08:00

I used to think that trusting God came easily to me.

What a joke.

It did, for what I understood trusting God to mean. I could say "My God will supply all my needs" with full confidence and not a single ounce of doubt. But lately, I've been having a harder and harder time trusting God.

So what happened?

The lightbulb went on when I was talking with Charity this weekend. My problem has never really been with "My God will supply". I believe with all of my being that God is all-powerful and all-good, and that it is He alone who controls the universe. My problem has been with "all my needs".

See, for many, many years now I have defined "needs" as what I need to physically survive-food, clothing, and shelter. I've never worried that there wouldn't be food on the table. I've never worried that I won't have anything to wear. I've never worried that I won't have a place to sleep at night. I've never worried that there won't be enough money. It's truly, honestly never even crossed my mind.

But it hit me recently that "needs" is not just restricted to physical needs. You think I would have realized this a loooooong time ago, especially considering that I studied Maslow's hierarchy of needs freshman year of college. For those of you not familiar, Maslow's theory was that people's needs are like a pyramid. On the bottom are physiological needs-food, water, shelter. The next level was safety needs, both physical and emotional safety. Next is love/belonging needs, followed by the esteem needs (need for accomplishment, respect, etc.). At the top are the "self-actualization" needs, basically the ability to "be all you can be". His theory was that humans fulfill the needs in that order, and if a more basic need is being met, humans will ignore the "higher" needs until the basic needs are fulfilled. There are some flaws with his theory, but that's not the point.

The point is that for the longest time I have only defined "needs" as the bottom level, or maybe the bottom two levels, of the pyramid. My God WILL supply all my physical and safety needs. I've never had a single problem believing that.

I've realized that my problem is that my definition of "needs" is too narrow. I've realized that to really trust God means to believe that my God will supply ALL MY NEEDS-from the physical needs, to the needs for love and relationships, to the need to feel fulfilled. Trusting God means believing that HE and HE ALONE will fulfill every last need that I have.

My God will supply all my needs.

No doubts.

Trust.

So that's what "trust" means in the context of relating to God. Next question: Does that "trust" extend to other humans, or does trusting other people take on a different meaning that trusting God? Can you still "trust" someone while maintaining a bit of a guard because you know that they are human, and they will more than likely fail you? What do you do when someone loses your trust? Should you ever get to the point where you unconditionally trust somebody?

My God will supply all my needs...including answers to the big(ger) questions of life.

Sorting Out

2010-02-13T18:41:00.000-08:00

My room has been messy for a long time. I've made several efforts to clean it but have yet to actually get to a state of cleanliness. Partly because it's freezing in there and I don't really want to be in there, but I think the main reason, which I realized today, is that a lot of stuff in there doesn't really have a place to go.

Kind of like the condition of my life right now.

Nevertheless, when you have friends like Anna, Austin, and Stephen, who talk with you for hours, hold you when you cry, and buy you a bouquet of flowers for Valentine's Day, you know everything is going to turn out okay. Not that the rest of my friends aren't amazing as well-I'm just particularly appreciative of those three at the moment. At a time in my life where I felt like there wasn't as much love in my world anymore, they have poured a ton right back in.

For the 21st time in my life, I will be single on Valentine's Day. And I'm okay with that. I have a feeling this one will be pretty special. Not because I expect any sort of romance to appear in my life-in fact, I'd rather it not at this point. I don't know, I just think God has something special for this day up His sleeve. Maybe it'll be a sunny day, maybe it'll be a really good time at church tomorrow, maybe it'll be a hug from the right person at just the right time. *Shrug* I don't know.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. And may you remember that God defines love, for He is love, He has given us the ultimate example of love through Christ, and it is He who gives us the capability to love.

I am so spoiled

2010-01-30T17:15:00.000-08:00

Michelle Kick spent $12 on a small white chocolate raspberry cake for me. Just because.

I am so spoiled to have amazing friends like her. :) :) :)

I don't think you have a clue

2010-01-25T22:28:00.001-08:00

You think you know what love is.

I think you're full of it.

When you spend the night in a leaking tent, the only counselor with three girls, one of who is deathly afraid of the thunder and lightning outside, freezing cold, not comfortable in any way...because you want to give these girls a chance to know God the way you do...that is love.

You think you're happy.

I don't think you have the first clue.

Give up something you really want to follow God. Make knowing Him your first priority. Abandon all else only for Him. Then you will experience true joy.

And when the little girl turns over, says "I love you" and kisses you on the nose...in that moment you will know...experience...love and joy. In that moment you'll see. In that moment everything else will seem worthless...and this will be worth it.

And yet...the God of the universe created every detail about me, knows every detail about me, continues to love me anyway, and sent His Son to die for my sins...even as I continue to care less about Him.

I thought I knew what love was.

I thought I was happy.

I'm full of it.

And I don't have a clue...

Blessings of God

2009-12-11T23:10:00.001-08:00

I feel incredibly blessed right now.

*I got a 97 on my calculus final for a 95 average in the class!
*I get to see Bekah and Erika in Minnesota when finals are over!!!!
*I get to visit Awana headquarters for a couple days prior to going to Minnesota!
*Headquarters is paying for my airline tickets.
*My bus ticket to Minnesota was only $27.
*Brice using his employee discount so I could get an amazingly sturdy winter coat from American Eagle for half off.
*Mindy letting me use her car so that I could get to the mall to pick out said coat, as well as finish all my Christmas shopping for my Baylor friends.
*Finding amazing presents for all my friends!
*Mindy's cinnamon roll recipe at Starbucks.
*Mindy...enough said.
*Jordan letting me use his sleeping bag so that I don't freeze in my own room.
*Getting to see Michelle Kick today.

Life is good...:) :) :)

Thoughts on living in the era of grace

2009-12-07T09:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, now that I've finally put all my jumbled thoughts about majors out there, I'll leave y'all with a much happier note.

I read Hebrews 1 and 2 in my quiet time yesterday, and I realized that people in the Old Testament didn't have Christ to look to as a fully human (yet fully God) example of how to live life. Only those of us who live during and after Christ get to look at Christ. Only we get to ask ourselves "What Would Jesus Do?"

Just another perk of living under grace. :) I <3 God's grace. It's amazing stuff.

Majors, minors, careers, LIFE...why?

2009-12-07T09:10:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want to major in. The more I think, though, the more confused I get.

I grew up thinking that I would have a career. Sophomore year of high school, I wanted to go to law school, become a lawyer, become a judge, and then work my way up to the supreme court. Junior year of high school, however, God changed my heart and gave me a vision for being a "family woman". I ended my junior year of high school wanting to get married, have children, homeschool them, and support my husband in his ministry. If God had called me to get married straight out of high school and not gone to college, I would have been happy with that. However, two factors continued to propel me on the path to college: 1) A father who insisted that I go to college, and 2) a full-tuition scholarship to Baylor. Okay, so it's obviously God's will that I go to college. So I did. But I chose a major based on what I believed would help prepare me to eventually take care of a family, as well as being something I could easily fall back on full or part time should I ever need to work. I chose nursing.

Then second semester freshman year comes. I realize that I don't like nursing. I'm not a science person. My brain doesn't think that way. Sure, I can handle blood and guts and needles...but the thought of taking anatomy and physiology 2, pharmacology, pathophysiology...it sounded like torture after taking anatomy 1. I wasn't happy with this. This wasn't how God made me. So I called my parents. I went to career counseling. I prayed about it. I figured out that while my brain and science don't work well together, my brain and business work together fabulously. So I made the switch.

I'm now at the end of my first semester of my sophomore year. I've taken courses in accounting, economics, business, etc., and enjoyed it so much. This is how my brain works. I'm happy doing this. But next semester, I have to decide and declare a specific major within the business school.

I had thought that I would double-major in nonprofit marketing and management after interning with Awana this summer. I realized that I really, really like working with nonprofits. I could see myself working with Awana, Mission Possible, LifeCare Pregnancy, an adoption agency, or even just in my local church. Give me a cause I love and I am really passionate about working for it. I'll do it for no money.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I can't see myself in a full-time position. Not even in a nonprofit. When I picture my future, I continue to picture it as one where I have a few kids, adopt a few kids, homeschool all of them, do a lot of work with my local church and local nonprofits, but always keeping my role as a wife and homemaker my first priority. The only "job" I can really picture myself having is teaching with Teach for America my first couple years out of college. But I can't even picture myself doing that for more than a few years.

So why am I even at college at all?

What am I supposed to be preparing for? Surely this is not some time-killing transition between high school and marriage. Surely I should be using the opportunities I have in front of me to prepare for something. But what in the business school could possibly prepare me for being a wife and mother?

Okay, so let's review my current options and why they may or may not be good ideas:

Economics I started thinking seriously about this one when I realized that microeconomics was my favorite class this semester. It's weird-I tend to be a more detail-oriented person, and economics is all about the big picture. But I LOVE this class. It has changed my perspective on so many issues. It has changed the way I think. If I majored in economics, I could teach high school economics with Teach for America when I graduate. If I ever decide that I do want a career for whatever reason, economics opens up a whole range of options.

Non-profit Marketing Makes sense since I love working with non-profits, right? I guess...except for the fact that if non-profit marketing didn't exist at Baylor, I don't think I would choose to major in marketing. It's not that I wouldn't make a good marketing major-I know I would. The thought of majoring in marketing or having a career in marketing just doesn't excite me...except for the non-profit part.

Management I asked my best friend Sarah when we were still in high school, "What do you major in if you want to be in charge of stuff?" Management would fit my personality really, really well. No matter what I major in, I've already decided there's a bunch of management electives I want to take. The question is what I could do with this degree if I actually made management my major. Then there's the question of whether I would major in general management, distribution management & technology (logistics management, basically), or human resources management. All options have their pros and cons.

Financial Services Out of all the majors in the business school, this is the only one that I actually think would be helpful for being a wife and a mother, as I would be really, really good with our personal finances. Not sure what else I would do with this degree, though. I don't think I want to be a CFP.

Public Administration Would combine this with an economics major. If I ever wanted to work for the government or get involved in politics, this would be a really good major to have. I could potentially see myself getting involved in politics in some way, especially after my kids are grown.

I know that if I trust God, pray about it, and keep my mind and heart open as I take my classes, the answer will eventually be given to me. I just don't like not knowing where I'm going. Especially when it feels like you're on the wrong path for where you're supposed to be going. I did not come to Baylor to get an MRS. degree. If I wanted an MRS. degree, I would have gone somewhere else. Or I wouldn't have gone to college. But I'm not sure what it is I'm really heading towards. Baylor doesn't seem like the type of school, and business doesn't seem to be the type of major, that you go with if all you want to do is get married and raise a family. Heck, college doesn't even make sense at this point.

Sorry for all that rambling. All I'm trying to say is that right now, it doesn't feel like that path I'm on leads to the destination I feel I'm supposed to end up at.

I'm so confused. My head hurts.

Letter to myself

2009-12-02T10:53:00.000-08:00

Something I found in my journal recently. I apologize for the way it starts out in first person, then randomly switches to second.

This is an edited version...certain names have been deleted to protect certain people. :P

I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm learning that I'm more stubborn than I previously thought. I'm learning that true satisfaction is found in God alone. I've realized that I'm a lot more independent than I had once realized. I want to be in charge. I want to be in control. I at least want to be percieved as in control. I am not in control. God alone is in control. I want to do it all. I can't do everything. I try to plan ahead for what I can't.
So dream of Chicago. Work toward that goal. But remain open to other possibilities. Because He may call you to stay in Waco, or go to Chicago, or to Washington D.C., or Africa. Wait on God for His plan and His timing.
Drink tea and write from your desk or swing, and be content that you are doing God's will. Let a friend cry on your shoulder, and be content that you are doing God's will. Travel and speak to thousands-but only if it is God's will. Be excited about where you are right now-carefree, single, and loving it. Fall in love with God now, not later. Spoil your girlfriends. Decorate your apartment, and negotiate the price down. Love your life now. Teach Sunday School and play the piano. Enjoy your life now and follow God into the future.

Lose control and quit being so stubborn!

2009-11-27T17:00:00.000-08:00

"Anything less than yes is no
Anything less than stay is go
Anything less than 'I love you' is lying"

-Friends, Lovers, or Nothing, John Mayer

I'm finally home...

2009-11-25T21:17:00.001-08:00

First day of Thanksgiving break. I have been needing this break so badly. I have so much on my mind right now.

A lawyer called Monday morning about the accident. He called while I was in class and left a very vague message, so I have no clue which side he is on, what the two sides even are, or why he wants to talk to me. I haven't called him back, and he hasn't tried again. Hopefully he won't. But my gut (and my friend's dad who is a lawyer) says he likely will. Jordan and Marshall offered to take care of the lawyer for me should he continue to bother me. I really, really want to let them. But if I get subpoenaed to testify in court, then there's nothing they can do. They promised to protect me, and I want to believe them. But once I'm told I have to testify, there's nothing they can do. Their protection can only go so far. Really, there is only One who can fully protect me. It's just easier when you're protection has flesh and blood.

It's not that I'm scared I'll get hurt physically. I'm not concerned that someone will get upset at me and threaten me. I just don't know who's being tried for what, and what consequences my testimony could possibly have in whether or not someone goes to jail. And also, I'm concerned that I may have to testify at a time when so much else is happening. I can't concentrate on other stuff and deal with this at the same time. I texted Jordan Monday night and said "I am trying to stay calm, but this genuinely scares me." But what am I scared of? I guess I'm scared of my world being turned upside down again. Maybe my faith needs exercise. If I really did trust God to take care of this, I doubt I would feel this nervous.

That's what God has been teaching me lately, actually. Well, that and several other things. Faith and trust, and letting go of my need for control. Oh my goodness. I just barely realized this week how AMAZINGLY STUBBORN I really am. I don't want to be stubborn. Yes I want to be firm, I want to be steadfast. But I don't want to be stubborn. But I am. This also translates into a need for control. Which basically boils down to a lack of faith and trust in God. I want to let go. I want to let God take care of everything. But at a point in time where everything seems to be spiraling out of control, I only end up trying even harder to make sure everything is in place. Oh Lord, I am so hardheaded. Please help me...

I've realized that I know far less about guys that I originally supposed. I've had a LOT of guy friends growing up. I've read "For Women Only", "For Young Women Only", and "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". I know guys a lot better than a lot of my gal friends who have had boyfriends. Maybe I know guys decently well because I've never had a boyfriend. Whatever...anyways, the point is I thought I knew a lot about guys, but I realized that I don't really. Jordan and I got into a fight last Monday, and because of miscommunication issues didn't end up talking until Thursday. Worst three days of my life. We talked it all out on Thursday night...but ever since then, I keep thinking about our conversation, and light bulbs keep going off right and left. Oh my goodness. Guys are different from girls. DUH...

I'm trying to decide what I want to get involved in next semester. I was originally thinking debate. I did debate in high school and LOVED it. I've also been considering student government. But I don't want to do both. I want to choose one or the other. Debate is what I've done before and what I know I love and am passionate about. But choosing debate would mean giving up swing dance. Student government, on the other hand, would allow me to continue being involved in swing dance. But I've never done student government before, and I don't know if I would love it as much as debate. Gah...

Also having to choose between majors and minors. I was originally thinking I'd double major in non-profit marketing and management. Then I thought I'd add on a communication minor. Then I realized that would mean 18 hour semesters from here on out. I'm not willing to do that. So keep the management major, or the communication minor, or....?

I won't do all three, though. For the same reason I won't do student government and debate at the same time. Am I an overacheiver? Yes. BUT-I'm not crazy about school. I would rather have one or two things to focus on, and cook my own dinner from scratch at night then run around doing everything. There's a domestic side to me that needs to be nurtured. Even if I'm not "homemaker" material...I'm still a woman. And to me, that means not losing the homemaker side of me, even when I do have what it takes to be competitive in the business school and eventually become a wealthy CEO.

Speaking of the domestic side of stuff...I started knitting today. The first couple of rows were lessons in patience. But once I started getting the hang of it, I realized it's really relaxing. I'm so proud of myself. I eventually want to get to the point where I can knit my own sweaters. But I'll just make scarves for now. I feel so accomplished, able to add just one more skill to the list of what I can do...

I've been thinking a lot about my future plans. I thought that upon graduation I would move to Chicago and work for Awana. But a few things have changed just even in the past two weeks that have caused me to reconsider that. I now have no real clue what I want to do upon graduation. Chicago may still be the plan. Teach for America in Dallas, Houston, Austin, or anywhere else could be another possible plan. I may just get married. The plan could be something totally different that I can't see right now.

I walked around downtown Austin just a little bit today, and I realized just how much I love downtown of anywhere. Be it Waco, Austin, Dallas, Chicago...I am a city girl through and through. There are aspects of the country I love. There are aspects of small towns that I love. But I think, deep down, that the DNA of my soul says "city girl".

If you made it through all that rambling, I am super impressed.

Dear American Culture

2009-11-21T21:24:00.000-08:00

Dear American Culture,

I sympathize with your strongly expressed "J" personality. Being an ESTJ myself, I can relate to really liking to have things planned out in advanced and not having to worry about it. However, I think you've gone a little too far. When I have to decide housing for the 2010-2011 school year in November of 2009, when I have to decide plans for summer 2010 when it's not even December 2009, and when I have to have an idea of what I want to do after graduation so I can decide on stuff like majors and summer plans now, things have definitely gone too far. I'm not even the same person now I was a week ago. How in the world do I know what's going to be going on in several months or years? I would really, really appreciate being given more time to decide on things like this. For example, being able to figure out summer plans in March, housing in May, and post-graduation plans senior year would be awesome.

Shaney

I should quite trying...

2009-11-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

...to figure out God's plan and just go with the flow. Because this is what happens when Shaney tries to figure out God's plan:

Today: "Sweet, it all makes sense!"
Tomorrow: "...that doesn't make any sense at all."

Which is why I absolutely despise trying to make summer plans when it's not even December yet.

Internship with Awana in Chicago?
Internship with Teach for America in Houston?
Youth ministry internship in Austin (or elsewhere)?
Back to my lifeguarding job?
Other job?
Two jobs?
Camp Nikos?
Something else not on this list?

...any combination of any of the above?

Good grief.

The scariest prayer I've ever prayed?

2009-11-18T20:22:00.000-08:00

Lord,

Please don't let things go back to normal until I've taken significant steps toward loving, trusting, and relying on you, and letting go of my pride and need for control. I don't care how long that is, please wait as long as it takes. This is a real opportunity for me to grow closer to You, and I want to take it. Please don't fix things just yet.

I can't believe I just asked that, but I really think I genuinely mean it.

Shaney

Composing and Writing

2009-11-17T21:52:00.000-08:00

Parts of the two songs I've been working on lately (Side note: I've actually been going to the music building during my breaks and playing the piano...so relaxing...):

The chorus of my most recent song, imagine it being sung in the style of Relient K:

Because I call you then we end up in a fight
I hate you but I need you in my life
I love you but you frustrate me so
Why can't we just let this all go?
When I cry you hold me all night long
Too many emotions, and so I write this song
I know I've been handed everything
But I'm not sure that you are what I want anymore

This is actually part of a song I wrote senior year in high school, but I never felt like I finished it. Imagine it set to a piano ballad:

Blood flows down from the one on the cross
Someone else's gain has resulted in His loss
Because He cared He took it all
Every sin since the fall
And the innocent hangs in agony

You never thought that it would hurt this much to care
This heavy burden, oh, it's just too much to bear
And so you lie awake at night
Pray and cry and fight the fight
And your heart cries out in agony

God are you there?
God do you care?
Why are You leaving me here to bleed and die?
God can't you see?
What is your plan for me?
Why are you leaving me here to bleed and die?

"My God, My God, oh, why hast Thou forsaken Me?
My God, My God, oh, why hast Thou forsaken Me?"

Spring 2010 Class Schedule

2009-11-15T15:43:00.000-08:00

CSS 1301-01-Fundamentals of Public Communication-English-MWF 8:00-8:50
ECO 2307-01-Principles of Macroeconomics-Mencken-MWF 10:10-11:00
QBA 2305-04-Business Data Analysis 2-Hulme-MWF 11:15-12:05
ACC 2304-05-Managerial Accounting-Bryant-MW 2:30-3:45
MKT 3305-06-Principles of Marketing-Blocker-TTh 12:30-1:45
MGT 3305-08-Organizational Behavior-Norris-TTh 2:00-3:15

For anyone who's counting, that's 6 classes, 18 hours. I'm so amazingly excited about this schedule.

Pray for Sarah Ruth

2009-11-15T15:02:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

If you wouldn't mind praying for my friend Sarah, that would be awesome.

(Okay, so "my friend" is a bit of an understatement. More like "The girl who knows me better than I know myself because I've known her since she was 8 and I was 9 and I spent a huge chunk of my life at her house and saw her more frequently than anyone else during high school save my family, and one time her dad asked me where the other half of "Sarah-Shaney" was, and we always will be bestest friends/sisters by choice for forever and alwaaaaaaaaaayz....anyway...)

She passed out in the bathroom yesterday, fell and hit her head, went to the ER and now has five stitches...the doctors did an EKG and found out that she has a short PR interval in her heart rate, which basically makes her more prone to passing out. She's going to need to see a cardiologist about that...she's doing well, but please pray that she continues to stay that way and that she will find the right cardiologist, and that she can monitor this problem well, or hopefully just take care of it altogether.

That is all...

Psalm 63

2009-11-13T14:31:00.000-08:00

O God, You are my God; early will I seek you; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh longs for you in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water. So I have looked for You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory. Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. Thus I will bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips. When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice. My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me. But those who seek my life, to destroy it, shall go into the lower parts of the earth. They shall fall by the sword; they shall be a portion for jackalls. But the king shall rejoice in God; everyone who swears by Him shall glory; but the mouth of those who speak lies shall be stopped.

Lord, may I desire you with the same passion that David did.

I finally have my life back?

2009-11-10T16:08:00.000-08:00

I've decided I'm going to write a book. What about? I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we? I'm *planning* on being done with the book by January, but we'll have to see if God has other plans...

I took my last test of my second round of tests yesterday (thanks to the accident and rescheduling tests, I had one test every day Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday-Friday-Monday). And, after two weeks of my world being turned upside-down, I walked out of the business school and realized...I'm free! I don't remember the last time I felt such a burden lifted off my shoulders. At lunch, when I saw Jordan I said "Give me a hug!" and then said "I finally have my life back!"

I've been thinking about that, though...do I really have my life back? Was it ever really my life in the first place? Did God really mean for me to go through two weeks of hell...just for life to return to the way it was? I don't think so. Surely all this was for something. And now I'm trying to figure that out. Which is mainly what I want to write my book about.

In other news, I got to the final round of the Ethics SLAM! today, which means I go head-to-head with another guy in my class next Tuesday to see who wins $300 and who wins $150. All that speech training high school is literally paying off. :)

What else? Oh yes, apartment hunting. Gathering info, making spreadsheets, comparing plans with three other girls and trying to find the right one. Is it weird that I actually love this process?

Praying about a lot of stuff...summer plans (internship up in Chicago, or stay at home and work like crazy, or both, or neither...?), plans for next year (debate team possibly?), and degree plans (communication minor? Keep both majors or drop one?). Wow, I just said "plans" a lot. Sometimes I think that it would be easier to be a "P" rather than a "J" on the Myers-Briggs personality test. Because while I know God is a "J" (after all, He had everything planned out before the foundation of the world), it seems He acts more like a "P". Or at least, forces us to act more like "P's".

I should write about my weekend in Brownwood soon. Because of the accident, I never did get around to it like I planned, but too much happened just to let it slip by...

MLIOK

2009-11-02T19:54:00.001-08:00

Today, I realized that I have lost control of my life.

Then I remembered that God has it.

MLIOK (My Life Is OK)

Family Prayer

2009-11-01T21:02:00.000-08:00

Mindy called a "family prayer meeting" tonight. Oh my goodness. It was amazing. I've really been needing this. It was so healthy. Mindy, Erika, Carroll, Stephen, Jordan, and Mindy's roommate Chloe were all there. Many tears were shed...many requests were shared...there was much laughter, and much prayer. It was amazing. I'm pretty sure we're planning to do this every week, and words can't express how grateful I am for that.

Bathroom Verses

2009-10-31T08:06:00.000-07:00

Today, I got the random idea that perhaps, dry erase markers could be used to write on bathroom mirrors. So I pulled out one of my dry erase markers that I rarely use, and tried it. It works perfectly. I plan to start putting verses on my bathroom mirror.

The first verse on my mirror is one that Adam Hardy sent me for encouragement:

"Therefore I will look to the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation; My God will hear me!"-Micah 7:7

Processing

2009-10-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

Daniel: "He graciously didn't let you get more involved so that it didn't hurt more. It could have easily happened where you gave cpr and they both still died, or you had to pick which one to give cpr to."

Me: "Oh...I hadn't thought of that."

This process is a lot slower than I would like it to be. I'm meeting with Kyle (my college pastor) tomorrow to talk through everything.

I have been getting so angry at God during my prayer time that I have actually said, out loud, "What the f***, God?" ...and then cried.

I don't want to get mad at God, and I don't want to go through each day playing the "What if?" and "Why?" games.

I just want life to return to normal.

...but I guess it's not going to, is it? After all, this is no movie, or television drama, or novel. This is my life.

Processing is a painful process.

I'll Let You Eavesdrop

2009-10-28T07:15:00.000-07:00

God, can we talk for a minute?

Or rather, can I vent and you listen? Thanks.

I don't get it, God. I just don't get it. It really seems like You didn't think this one through. It seems like you went to a lot of trouble to make sure that I was at the wreck when it happened. From Adam gently pushing me to leave Brownwood so that I didn't drive in the incoming storm, to being pulled over by the policeman when I honestly thought I was fine, to getting lost and having to backtrack to Waco Drive...You sure did go to a lot of trouble to get the timing right.

For what reason, God? It doesn't seem to have made a difference that I was there.

I wasn't planning on becoming a lifeguard five years ago. That was a job that You pretty much handed to me. Because of that job, I have been training for years on how to respond in an emergency situation. I knew exactly what I needed to do. Even as I saw the men in the truck, the thoughts of "I need to check the ABCs...airway, breathing, circulation..." were right there in my mind, screaming at me. But I was helpless to do anything. Why? Because the door was in the way. It took at least five firemen leaning on the giant pliers to get the door loose. I could have done something, God. I was six inches away from helping them and a stupid piece of metal and glass kept me from doing so. You could have done something. Why didn't You?

Why did they have to die, God? I called 911 not even ten seconds after the wreck happened. EMS was there in less than five minutes. I couldn't have responded more quickly, God. But it wasn't soon enough.

God, all I'm trying to say is that it doesn't make sense. It really seems like you put a lot of thought into this one-from putting a job in my lap that would prepare me to respond to this five years ago to timing my driving down to the very second so that I was at the wreck but not caught in it...for no reason at all. I couldn't do anything, God. I was completely helpless to actually do anything. So it all seems pretty pointless, God.

I know that You're the all-knowing, all-powerful, all-perfect Creator of the universe and I am a pathetic, insignificant, doubting sinner who is nothing more than a blip on the screen, and therefore I'm in no position to ask You this. But I feel like You owe me an explanation. Because dang it, God, You did a pretty darn good job of planning this one out. You better have a reason for it.

Lord, I believe. Please help my unbelief.

Life update

2009-10-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

XTax was fun. We didn't place, but it was a good experience. :)

Awana conference went really well. I had probably about ten people total at my first two workshops (trek and journey basic training) but they really went well, plus I was expecting low turnout at those two. The LIT workshop was overflowing, though. We quickly ran out of chairs and probably half the people in the room were sitting on the floor. I was really excited about how it went. The missionaries' kids wrapped my car in paper while we were at Rudy's afterwards...:P

Fall break was really nice. Came up with a really cute halloween costume idea. Speaking of halloween, any and all Baylor students really need to come to the swing halloween dance on October 30th. The theme is Phantom of the Opera. It's going to be amazing.

My roommate got a dog this weekend. Her name is Zuzu, she's a chihuahua mix and she's the cutest, sweetest thing ever. Love her already. :)

I might get to fly up to Chicago sometime before December 31st of this year.

What else? Oh yes, I get to go up to Howard Payne University next weekend and see some of my best friends in the entire world, including a couple I haven't seen for 10 months.

Cold weather is finally coming to Waco.

Life is good. :)

Not that anybody sends me flowers...

2009-10-09T12:28:00.000-07:00

I saw this advertisement on the sidebar of my e-mail account today:

1-800-Flowers.com: Flowers and gifts to say I'm sorry. Order today.

I don't know why, but for some reason I thought, "Is that all that people think flowers and gifts are for? How sad."

I know I'd appreciate it a whole lot more if somebody sent me flowers or bought me a gift "just because", rather than waiting until they need to apologize for something. "Just because" gifts are a rarity.

Yeah, totally random thought of the day...

Do I really give freely?

2009-09-29T07:52:00.000-07:00

"You give freely to others without expecting anything in return: Yes/No"

I have almost always answered "yes" to the above question on the Myers-Briggs personality test--but lately, I have been wondering if I really give freely. I recently sent a friend of mine an encouraging text and was disappointed when I went the entire day without hearing back from her. I was thinking about that, and I realized that I do expect a lot in return for giving to others. I expect to be loved and appreciated. Sure, I'll feed you and not ask you to give me money or food in return. I'll buy you something and not expect you to pay me back. If you need a place to stay, mi casa es su casa. But if I do that for somebody and don't receive even a "thank you" or "I really appreciate you" in return, I feel disappointed. Perhaps I am not expecting anything physical. But I am expecting something in return.

I realized that I am not truly giving of myself freely. I always thought that I was doing a good job of being a servant. I realize now what a load of crap that thinking is. If I send you an encouraging text, I expect one back. If I feed you, I expect a "Thank you". If I tell you I love you, I expect you to at least smile back at me. If I share my burdens with you, I expect you to share your burdens with me.

Give of myself freely? Ha, whatever.

I started wondering, though, if these expectations are truly unreasonable. After all, can somebody really keep giving freely of themselves if no one is giving to them? Is that even possible?

I then realized how twisted that thinking was. I have a relationship with the God who created the universe. He holds everything in his hands. I need to look to him to fill up my "love tank", to shower me with blessings and to extend His grace to me. If I am looking to Him to provide me with everything I need-and I mean everthing-then I can easily give freely to others without ever running out of love to give.

Do I really give of myself freely to others? No, but I'm learning.

You Are Beautiful

2009-09-26T06:58:00.000-07:00

"You are beautiful.

You are not broken.

You are not defective.

You are perfect

Because you were made by the Creator of the universe

And He doesn't make mistakes.

There is nothing about you

That makes you unlovable.

No matter what

You will never be alone.

No matter what

You will never be unloved.

No matter what

You will never be unwanted.

You are beautiful."

It's amazing how words meant for someone else can bless your socks off as well.

When God Uses Google...(and a random, undeserving girl)

2009-09-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I lot of people I don't know have stumbled across my old blog, God Said It Best. I have not updated that blog in over a year, but now I'm wondering if I should...or maybe I should just import the posts over to this blog.

I just found out a couple of days ago that if you Google "God does not care", a link from that blog is the first thing to pop up. When I found out, I was amazed and humbled. That God would use a search engine like Google, and a small article I wrote a long time ago to continue to reach out to people is just...mind-blowing. I'm not even sure how Google works, but from the (very little) knowledge I have, it doesn't really make sense why my post shows up first. All I know is that it does.

I've also been convicted about the stuff I post on here...while none of it is really bad, per se, I realized that a lot more people read this than I had previously realized, and I have not been using the online platform that God has provided for me to glorify Him. There's a lot of stuff He has been teaching me, and I haven't been faithful to write about it. This is something that I want to change.

All I saw was the blood on your hands

2009-09-08T14:44:00.000-07:00

I needed
You
Because I couldn't do it on my own

I wanted
Me
To be able to do anything

I needed

You

To show me that I couldn't

I missed

You

Because I tried to do it on my own

I lost

Sight

Because I was blinded by pride

I need

You

I am worthless on my own

I missed

You

All I saw was the blood on Your hands

I missed

You

I didn't see the nails you held

I missed

Truth

Those nails were supposed to be in my hands

I called

Nowhere

Not knowing where to go

You heard

And offered me your hand

I saw

Blood

And almost didn't take it

But I need

You

So I place my hand in Yours

Sing me sweet melodies of memories

2009-09-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

I wonder if anyone else has experienced this...

I was listening to some music today, and a specific song came on. As I was listening, specific memories started popping up in my head...and I realized that there are a lot of songs in my life that have specific memories attached to them. Whenever I hear them, I will start thinking about specific events or people, or sometimes, just general seasons of my life. The reason will oftentimes be extremely random...

...for example, the song that prompted this realization was the song Forgiven by Relient K. As I was listening, images of my time at my internship up at Awana headquarters kept flashing through my head. When I hear that song, I think about Chicago, Awana, Northwestern, Bryce, Ariane...because one random evening, Bryce played the song on his laptop. I had only heard the song once or twice before, and as I listened I said "I recognize this song, but I can't place it." Bryce told me it was by Relient K...and from then on, that song brings back memories of Chicago.

There are other songs like that...My Savior, My God reminds me of Summit 2007 because that was the first place I heard it, Getting Into You by Relient K reminds me of Scholarship Camp 2005, Hey Stephen by Taylor Swift reminds me of my first semester at college (my sister randomly sent me the link to the song while I was away), Innocent Bones by Iron and Wine reminds me of spending time with Michelle in her apartment...

That was really random...anyone else experienced something similar?

EXCITEMENT

2009-08-30T12:56:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh I am so excited about my life right now. I have got so much going on that has got me almost jumping up and down with excitement.

Connection Group I finally joined a small group at my church. Several other sophomore girls with a junior leader. We're meeting from 8-10 every Monday night. Fellowship, prayer, Bible study-oh my word I am so excited. I cannot wait to get to know these girls. In addition, I'm also joining Highland as an official member.

Awana Awana starts this Wednesday. This year I am working with Journey (high school) and T&T girls (hopefully with the same girls I had in Sparks last year.) We had our kickoff luncheon after church today. The Journey group here doesn't seem like it's run anything close to like what my Journey group was like, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. :) It'll just be different.

XTax Comptetition A chance to use my speech and debate skills again. Five-person teams are handed a case and have two weeks to come up with a tax policy to address the case. They then present the case and defend it in a question-and-answer session. Sound really nerdy? That's probably why I'm so excited about it. :) The competition is sponsored by Pricewaterhouse Coopers. Baylor has historically done really well in the competition, and if we do really well there's potentially prize money and internships involved.

Swing Dance We have officially survived our first week. Turnout has been amazing at our first two meetings, and we had a ton of people sign up on the e-mail list during late night at the SLC. I love being an officer. Participation in an organization always takes on an added dimension when you serve in a leadership position.

New Student Organization? Don't know if this will happen this year or next year, but I recently got the idea to start a new organization on campus for students wanting to eventually work in non-profit organizations. Baylor has a major called non-profit marketing, but no student organization dedicated to helping develop their careers. I'd like to open up the organization to students in any major who want to work in non-profit organizations, though. I'll be e-mailing the advisor and hopefully talking with him soon. I have no clue what kind of timeline it will take to start this organization, but now that I've got the idea I'm determined to follow through with it.

Awana Conference The annual fall conference is being held in Waco this year. I'm teaching at least two workshops-24/7 basic training and an LIT workshop/forum. It's on October 10th-if you're an Awana leader in Texas you should come. :)

Still waiting for cooler weather to come around, but in the meantime, I wore a really cute sundress to church today. :)

My life is amazing.

Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun...

2009-08-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

What I really would like right now would be to walk outside and feel a biting cold wind blow across my face. I want to see gray clouds cover the sky, and I want to bundle up in warm clothes.

Most of my life has been spent in Texas. I've always preferred warm weather to cold. But recently I've been finding myself longing for cold weather more and more. Perhaps it's just a result of spending too much time walking around in the sun recently. But really, why do we associate days of sunshine with happiness and cold winter months with depression? Does it really have to be that way? Having sweat practically pour down your body because it's so hot can be just as miserable as weather that is too cold, and the winter months are not devoid of beauty. It's just a different kind of beauty.

Is God really calling me to move to Chicago when I graduate? I don't know for sure, but if He is, I really do think I'll be forever grateful.

In other news...I like my classes (yay for switching to a major I actually like!), I LOVE my apartment, my friends are amazing, Awana starts on Wednesday, I'm joining a Bible study at Highland really soon, I'm hoping to get involved in the student ministry at Highland as well, and I may have an opportunity to put my speech and debate skills to use again. :D

Life is good. Life also has a lot of assignments for me. So I'll go and prepare while I wait for cold weather to come grace my life with it's presence.

Fall 2009 Schedule

2009-08-11T15:56:00.000-07:00

Subject to change within the next few weeks:

Accounting 2303-03-Financial Accounting-MWF 10:10-11:00-Jones
Economics 2306-02-Principles of Microeconomics-MWF 9:05-9:55-Mencken
Business 1301-02-Business, Economy, and World Affairs-TTh 11:00-12:15-McCormick
Math 1309-04-Calculus for Business Students-MWF 1:25-2:15-Brooks
Health Education 1145-01-Health and Human Behavior-MW 8:00-8:50-TBA
Quantitative Business Analysis 2302-08-Business Data Analysis 1-TTh 8:00-9:15-Kay

Summer Closes

2009-08-09T21:43:00.000-07:00

Right now, I miss Awana headquarters so much. I miss Bryce and Ariane, who basically became like brother and sister to me. I miss Dale and Luann. I miss Kevin. I miss Olive, and I miss Faith Baptist Church. I miss living in headquarters. I miss the fountain with the fish on the bottom floor, the grass behind headquarters, Kevin's bookcase, and drinking a bunch of cups of tea every day. I miss Art Rorheim, and I miss getting to hug him and give him a kiss. I miss hearing his stories from the early days of Awana, and listening to him recite entire chapters of Scripture at a time.

I am not really all that excited about going back to Baylor. Baylor is not yet home. I love Baylor, don't get me wrong. I love the campus and the people...but it's not home. I'm not sure it will ever be. Despite having spent more time in one month at Baylor then I have spent at Awana headquarters over my entire lifetime, if I could choose I would rather fly back to Chicago then go back to Baylor. Maybe that's just because my memories of Illinois are more recent. Maybe it's because I felt closer to the "real world" up at my internship than I do at college. Maybe it's because I belong in Chicago.

I am super excited about a couple things go. First and most obvious, I am excited about seeing friends like Jordan, Stephen, Taylor, Sarah, Mindy, Erika, Erica, Emma, Shane, Carroll, Landon, Katie, Tracey, etc., etc., etc., again. I am also excited because I found out that one of the pastors at my church is leaving Grace to teach at Baylor-and he teaches in Morrisson Hall, right next to the business school.

But what I am really excited about is starting classes for my new major. I am excited about learning all about business. And I am really excited to start learning things I can actually apply to life and to my future job.

I am excited because I think that this summer God handed me everything I ever really wanted. And I'm excited to see how my time at Baylor will prepare me to step out into the "real world" and take on the assignments that God is handing to me.

Baylor is not home. But it is a stepping stone to where I'm going. And for that, it will be a place I love and cherish always.

My New Address!

2009-08-07T11:40:00.000-07:00

So for anybody who would at all be interested in sending me a letter/postcard/package/etc. while I'm at college this year, this is my apartment address!

2201 S. University Parks Drive #10203C
Waco, TX 76706

:)

What is Maturity?

2009-07-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

The American Heritage dictionary defines "maturity" as The state or quality of being fully grown or developed. Lately I have been thinking about what it truly means to be emotionally and mentally mature. We are constantly learning new things and adding to our knowledge and range of emotional experiences. At what point are the mind and emotions "fully developed"?

I was talking with a friend of mine who is in her early teens recently, and as we talked I was impressed by the range of topics that she was able to talk about. I thought she was really mature. But as we continued to talk, I started actually listening to what she was saying, and I realized that she hadn't really thought through what she was saying. More than likely, she was just repeating what she had just heard other people say. I realized that she wasn't really as mature for her age as I though she was.

Then I started wondering-at what point is someone truly mature? Physical maturity is obvious. Mental and emotional maturity-not so much. As my experience illustrates, someone can seem mature without actually being mature. This is prevalent in our society. We have twelve and thirteen year olds dating when they're not even close to being ready for marriage.

As I started thinking about it, I started to reach the conclusion that emotional and mental maturity means being able to think for oneself, and then being able to to live out one's life in a productive and (especially for a Christian) God-honoring way. In other words, a mature person's opinions are their opinions because they have thought through the issues for themselves, taking into account facts, wisdom from elders, opinions of other people, and thinking critically through the issue to come to their own conclusions. And once they form their opinions or convictions, they are able to live them out in their daily life.

I searched for the word "mature" on biblegateway.com, and the following verse came up:

But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.-Hebrews 5:14

So, I think I was on the right track. A mature person is one who is able to know was is good and distinguish it from what is evil (requiring the ability to think for oneself-the mature have "trained themselves", they don't rely on others to distinguish good from evil for them), and applies it-"who by constant use".

I realized after thinking about all this that I am not as mature as I once thought I was. A lot of my opinions are mine only because I have heard other people talk about them, not because I have taken time to think through the issues for myself. And just because I "know" good from evil doesn't mean I always utilize this knowledge.

Maturity is a lot more than just being able to talk about a range of "grown-up" subjects. Unless one is thinking for oneself and acting upon their knowledge, one is only feigning maturity.

Obviously, a big part of maturity is listening to the wisdom and counsel of others-"thinking for oneself" does not mean completely shutting out other's input (a very immature thing to do, actually). But it does mean having the ability to compare other's counsel against the Bible and sometimes, quite frankly, logic, to determine what truly is good counsel and what is not.

I definitely need to work on becoming more mature.

Mr. and Mrs. Bryan Davis

2009-07-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

This past week I had the honor and privilege of helping with the preparation of, attending the ceremony of, and running the reception for, the union of Mr. Bryan and Mrs. Samantha Davis (formerly Seagren). Despite a few curveballs thrown, both the wedding ceremony and the reception went beautifully.

When I drove to Prescott, AZ with Mr. and Mrs. Seagren, I knew that I would be helping out with the wedding, but I had absolutely no clue just how much I would end up doing. From accompanying Bryan and Sam to their engagement photo shoot, to calling every nail salon in Prescott to set up an appointment for Sam and her bridesmaids, to visiting the country club to talk with the brand new event coordinator (the head chef and the event coordinator for the country club left two weeks before the wedding), I ended up being a lot more involved with the wedding than I realized I woud be. A couple people even dubbed me an "honorary member" or the wedding party, even though I didn't stand up with them at the wedding. Which I didn't mind at all, it was a lot of fun and I was glad I could help.

What I definitely didn't realize would happen was that, along with Bryan's longtime best friend Jody, I would basically be running the reception. Which, when the ceremony is at 4:30 and the country club has things scheduled until 3:30, is definite running-around-like-a-chicken-with-your-head-cut-off material. But, everything was in place by the time the bride and groom arrived, so everything worked out well. :)

The weather was perfect that day. Throughout the week that had been scattered thunderstorms throughout the Prescott area, but the sun shone strong all day on Saturday the 4th. :)

My favorite part of the week, though, was breakfast at a local bed and breakfast the morning of the wedding. The setting was amazing-eating on the front porch of a gorgeous house with beautiful, cool weather. The food was extremely delicious, and the dishes were beautiful. The best part, though, was when all the female members gave same a gift bag with several items inside. Each item symbolized a lesson they wanted to pass on to Samantha about marriage. They would have a couple verses to go with each item, and then explain the significance of the verses to marriage and what the item symbolized. Afterwards, there was a time of prayer for Samantha as she stepped into this new chapter of her life.
Bryan and Samantha Davis, I pray that God blesses the two of you immensely as you live in this new chapter of your life. May God be glorified through the two of you as a couple even more than He was glorified by the both of you as individuals!

Camp Nikos!

2009-06-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

Later I will post a more thorough post about how Camp Nikos 2009 went. Suffice it to say that it went extremely well, and that God did many things. I love my girls so much and I was sad to see them go. Through the week God taught me so much. Now that I’m back I feel like I need to rethink my whole life-everything from which major I want to pursue (I had crossed out nonprofit studies because it’s a marketing track and I didn’t want to do marketing, but now I’m feeling a tug toward that major…I guess God at least wants me to check it out) to which friendships I should be investing the most time into, to how I should be spending my time and money…at the beginning of the week my prayer was “Lord, I am emotionally and spiritually apathetic…rekindle my passion and fire this week.” Well, emotionally, it didn’t happen. I don’t feel any burning in my spirit. What I do feel is like I’m being pushed…like someone is saying “Come on now, Shaney, we need to start heading over here.” Perhaps this is better than having that “mountaintop experience”. Hopefully it will be longer lasting.

My girls rewrote the “I Love College” song on the last night of camp. I’ll post the lyrics for your entertainment. 

I love Jesus-Hey!
And I love the Bible-Hey!
And I love praying-Hey!
Yeah I love Jesus-Hey!

That Bible story last night was awfully interesting
I wish I remembered it
(Something I can’t make out on the video)
It was so awesome

Read my Bible and drink my juice
Love my Jesus, He’s all I need

And I love Jesus-Hey!
And I love the Bible-Hey!
And I love praying-Hey!
And I love Jesus-Hey!

Do something crazy for Jesus!
Do something crazy for Jesus!

I'm such a nerd

2009-06-04T19:39:00.000-07:00

I'm taking business computer applications 1305 (the equivalent of management information system 1305) distance learning right now, and I'm sincerely excited by how efficient excel is.

I'm such a nerd.

Indulgence

2009-05-31T22:17:00.000-07:00

A bath.
A glass of blueberry tea with a spoonful of sugar.
A candle.
Flower-scented body products.
Pandora playing Iron, Wine, and Diana Krall in the background.

How relaxing. I do think that regularly indulging in this pleasure could do wonders for my ability to sleep, my stress level, and my overall health in general.

Life keeps moving

2009-05-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

I took the Myers-Briggs personality test again recently. I got ESTJ again-but instead of having a "strongly expressed" extroverted personality at 90%, I have a "moderately expressed" extroverted personality at 33%. I expected that my E score would be lower, but I didn't expect it would be that low. But I guess after how busy I was this past semester, I shouldn't be surprised. I don't know if this is a permanent change or not. I'm not sure if this is a result of changing places, changing people, growing up, or if I just need a rest.

It looks like the internship with Awana this summer is going to end up working out. I am so amazingly excited about that.

Also looks like taking MIS this summer is going to end up working out without a problem. Just one more little wrinkle to iron out...

Work has started up again. Looking forward to refilling my bank account and getting back my tan.

I'm going to go pick out what I'm going to wear today while listening to Iron and Wine on Pandora. Yes, I know it's almost 4 in the afternoon, don't judge.

And whatever I wear, I'm going to wear the awesome shoes that Michelle gave to me. :)

End of freshman year

2009-05-03T15:15:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's amazing to think that I am, for almost all intents and purposes, done with my freshman year of college. Time does fly by. Classes are done. The swing formal was last night, which means swing is officially over for the year. Awana closing ceremonies this Wednesday. Finals Wednesday through Friday, then I'll pack up and move out by Saturday. Life is crazy. This year has been crazy. It can pretty much be summed up in one word: change. I thought last semester would crazy full of changes, and of course it was, but I didn't realize how much this semester would also be full of changes. This will be really different when I come back in the fall. Michelle is moving to southern California. Bennett is transferring. Austin and Anna will be in Maastrich. Landon will be back from Italy. I'll be living in an off campus apartment. I'll be the treasurer for the swing dance society. Hopefully, I will be teaching Sunday School or volunteering with the Student ministry at Highland. I will be taking almost all business classes, and joining organizations such as Baylor Business Women. There will be an entire new class of freshman, all going through the same things I went through. New friends will be made, relationships will form, relationships will dissolve.

Some things haven't changed. Taylor, Jordan, and Stephen are still my best friends. I still love dancing. I'm still involved in Awana. I still go to church at Highland. I'm still in school, still studying away, still hoping to graduate someday and get a good job. Still trying to figure out God's plan for my life. But most importantly, Jesus still loves me, He still decides who I am and what goes on in my life.

And that is something I am glad will always stay the same. :)

Poetry consumes my life...at times

2009-04-29T19:30:00.001-07:00

Have you ever wondered why it has to be this way
Leaves of green turn brown and gold and then the wind blows them away
The rose in bloom covers up the thorns that will cut you open, give you pain
And yet the beauty beckons so you reach and grab it anyway

The water rises all around you closing in on every side
Afraid to swim but yet it's all that you can do to stay alive
Diamonds that aren't there glitter as you start to drown
There's nothing to listen to but yet you know you hear the sound

The volts surge through the veins and all the gems turn into dust
Grab ahold of firmness and stability you must
Fly away while you have the chance, don't even think to stay
For even she, the princess, sometimes needs to run away

If you knew back then what you knew now, would it even make a difference?
Sometimes you need to look into the future and make an inference
With the snow beneath bare feet you wonder where the path does lay
Biting wind blows through your hair as you trudge along anyway

Five minute walk, or twenty miles, or all the ocean away
Sometimes it seems there's nothing that can keep your feelings at bay
Listen, listen, please, there's just way you can understand
But if you really care than reach out far and take my hand

Put your hand upon the water and on the surface feel the tension
Feels as if there is a quiet secret it can't mention
Feel the pressure of desire overwhelm your very core
Drown yourself, you know you just can't stay upon the shore

It will never be the same

2009-04-28T18:46:00.001-07:00

This is supposed to be a rap...not sure if that's a fail or a win...

Look to the left and to the right, but it will never be the same
The world spins all around you for the glory of His name
You wonder where you're going as it feels like nowhere fast
Digging deep inside you for a feeling that will last

You know He's got a plan but it's just really hard to tell
Sometimes the world has really got you sucked into its spell
God I know I'm ever helpess if I don't cry for your love
I need a little help from the Divinity above

Take my hand and take my heart and take away all that consumes me
Please don't be a deist god and just sit by and let it be
Put me through the fire of hell if it means that I'll come as gold
And I'll live to see the things that You've prepared yet are untold

God I want to know You more and yet this world is all I know
I know You're all that matters yet it's so hard to let it go
Put a fire in my heart that burns so hot I have no choice
But look for the Living Water with all I am and hear His voice

Look to the left and to the right, but it will never be the same
The world spins all around you for the glory of His name
Don't understand why it's so crazy, nothing ever seems to rest
It doesn't fit quite yet but deep inside you know God's plan is best

??

2009-04-26T18:01:00.001-07:00

In case you're wondering, at this point I understand my life probably just as much as you understood that last post.

I can't wait for the day when it all finally makes sense.

Ramblings

2009-04-26T17:45:00.000-07:00

You turn around and you realize that it all has you trapped into a little space. Everything that encloses you is something you want. In fact, everything that encloses you is a gift that you are grateful to have. But when each one gets set into place, it creates this wall that you didn't realize was being built. You can't break through-you'll hurt the gifts if you do. And really, you don't want to break though. But what you do want is that feeling of freedom. But that means leaving some things behind. The comfort within these walls and the value of the gifts that make up the walls is enough to keep you feeling comfortable within. And yet, you feel yourself becoming just a little claustrophobic...

What you want is at the bottom of a lake somewhere. No problem when you have an air tank to take you to the bottom so you can retrieve it. But as you swim down, you realize you can no longer see the surface, every direction looks the same, and although you have plenty of air in your tank the feeling of the pressure of the water all around you makes it difficult to breathe. Which direction to go-up to the surface, or down towards the treasure?

You've been blindfolded and been told to walk towards home. You don't know which direction that is, and there are people all around you shouting directions to you. You know there is a single voice you can trust to tell you the truth, but you strain to hear that single voice among the noise...

You're going on a journey. You have no clue where the destination is, all you know is that you trust the one who sent you on the journey to believe him when he says you will not regret taking it. You have the directions in your hand, but although they're written in English it seems they're written in code.

Pressed down on every side, but not crushed...

Vague enough? Yeah, thought so.

Only You

2009-04-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

I've been spying out to see if I can find You
I've been adding up to make You come out right
I've been waiting here for You to make an entrance
But it turns out You've been with me all the time

It seems that I've been looking for the wrong things
And getting stuck on what could never be

You don't need another genius or a poet
You don't need another martyr for the truth
You're looking for a heart in step with Your own
And that is something only You can do
Yeah, that is something only You can do

I've been wanting for myself to just stay focused
I've done my best to keep a pure inset
I must have overlooked the rest You promised
I must not have been looking hard enough

We never want the things that come too easy
We cannot trust the freedom found in love

You don't need another genius or a poet
You don't need another martyr for the truth
You're looking for a heart in step with Your own
And that is something only You can do
Yeah, that is something only You can do

Please come and change me
Start rearranging
Until I'm facing
Not myself but You

You don't need another genius or a poet
You don't need another martyr for the truth
You're looking for a heart in step with Your own
And that is something only You can do
Yeah, that is something only You can do

-"Only You", Erin O'Donnell

Love Languages

2009-03-27T17:32:00.001-07:00

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Physical Touch

My Detailed Results:
Physical Touch:	12
Quality Time:	9
Words of Affirmation:	5
Receiving Gifts:	2
Acts of Service:	2

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

What is yours? (If you decide to take the quiz, leave a comment so I can know what your love language is!)

http://edified.org/myspace/lovelanguage

Really?

2009-03-25T13:34:00.000-07:00

You don't understand why I think and act the way I do?

That's fine.

Because I don't understand why you think and act the way you do either.

Craziness

2009-03-21T11:16:00.000-07:00

Ups and downs, highs and lows...never getting to bed before midnight, heart-to-heart talks with friends, frustrations and thick tension, friends who step in to take care of said frustrations, tons of homework, avoidance of said homework, eventual plowing through said homework, a messy room that reflect that I'm hardly ever there, and if I am I'm probably sleeping, laughing with friends, crying with friends, dancing, counseling (career counseling, no I have not yet gone insane), re-evaluating the states of some friendships, realizing that some of your evaluations are wrong, realizing that a couple girls you never expected to be close to are becoming your closest confidants, learning to tolerate caffeine to make it through the day, realizing that it's not going to get any easier before finals, realizing that he never lied to you, feeling terrible for assuming he lied, and he still accepts you even after he finds out that you questioned his integrity.

Is life crazy? Yes. But the bottom line is that life is good.

What I've Been Learning

2009-03-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

Things I've been learning about myself:

*Even if it's obvious that it just won't work out the way I want it to, I have a really difficult time letting go of friendships.
*I can put up with a lot...but the one thing I can't stand is being lied to.

But onto happier things!!!

I had my third and last career counseling appointment today. I don't know what my major will be (beyond business), but at least I have an idea of who I am and where I'm going. I have a year to decide my specific major, but for now I know I'm going somewhere in business, have made the official change of major, and have been advised for next semester's classes. It's good to know your path. :D

Stereotypical Homeschooler?

2009-03-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

Are you the stereotypical homeschooler? X the boxes that apply to you.

Growing up/now
[X] Own/have owned a denim jumper
[] You were at least 13 when you got your first "trendy" haircut
[X] Everything in your closet at some time was referred to as modest
[X] You do/have tucked things in that shouldn't be tucked in
[ ] You have been a member of at least 3 co-ops
[X] You were a true 16 and never been kissed
[X] Your mom drives a van of some sort
[X] You have at least one childhood picture where you, your mom, and all you siblings matched
[ ] You are/were/will be a PSEO Student
[X] At some point in your life you were more comfortable with adults than kids your own age
[X] Have studied ways to defend your beliefs, debate, and/or create laws
[X] Used uber conservative A Beka or Bob Jones curriculum
Total: 9

[] You use big words that most adults could not use in conversation
[] You can use the words sublime, epiphany, and cognizant correctly (only epiphany...)
[] You have a favorite word.
[X] You have an understanding of Latin root words and how to use them
[X] People from the outside world are referred to as "public schoolers"
[X]You or one of your siblings knits.
[] You laugh at the decline in literacy in America (actually I think it's really sad...)
[X] You score constantly higher than "public schoolers" on standardized tests.
[] You have no concept of cafeteria food
[X] Family vacations are/ can be referred to as "Field Trips"
[X] Traveling on said vacations have included stopping at historical site markers along the way
[X] You have never been in a public elementary school, middle school, or high school during regular school hours (any or all of the above) (Taking the SAT counts, right? Okay fine...)
[X] You have gone to or been involved in a homeschool convention
Total so far: 17

[] You read books on a regular basis
[X] You have taken part in a political protest
[ ] You were a Pride and Prejudice fan before the movie
[ ] You were a Lord of the Rings fan prior to the movie
[X] You were a Chronicles of Narnia fan before the movie
[] You speak a language other than English (not fluently, but working on it!)
[ ] You dream of dating characters from books instead of celebrities
Total so far: 19

It (has been) assumed that you:....(these may or may not be true, but people think they are)
[] Have won many spelling bees
[X] Have no social life
[] Have no friends of the opposite gender
[X]Are extremely inept
[] Only listen to classical music
[] Play piano or the violin
[] Do not own a pair of trendy jeans.
[] Have no knowledge of drugs or alcohol
[X] Don't date, only court.
[] Have never been to a "party"
[] Know no other beliefs other than what your family believes
Total so far: 22
(If anyone has assumed any of the above that I have not checked, they never told me...)

You have been asked more than 10 times in your life:
[X] If you wear pajamas to school
[] If you get perfect grades because your mom grades you
[X] If your mom teaches you or if somebody else's mom does
[X] How do you meet people
[X] Why you aren't in school
[X] If you get days off whenever you want
[] If you're going to be homeschooled through college
[ ] If you have a big family
[ ] What your parents are protecting you from
[ ] To quote something famous
[X] For the answer, because supposedly homeschoolers always have all the answers
Total so far: 28

You have "rebelled" by:
[X] Listening to "worldly music"
[ ] Wearing black fingernail polish
[X] Wearing tight clothes or letting your midriff show or showing off what color of boxers you are wearing
[X] Watching a *gasp* PG-13 movie
[] Breaking dress code
[X] Listening to music with a beat (Christian or otherwise)
[X] Dancing. Especially dances that involve contact for longer than 2 seconds. With somebody of the opposite gender. Scandalous!!!
subtract this from total: -5

OVERALL TOTAL: 23

1-10 You're not really a homeschooler...you just do school at home
11-21 You're a homeschooler, but not what the world expects
22-32 You're a homeschooler
33-? You probably wouldn't have facebook to begin with...but congrats you're the stereotypical homeschooler

I'm a little surprised, I expected my score to be somewhat higher...

Ugh

2009-03-02T11:42:00.001-08:00

I dropped anatomy today. I thought that doing so would relieve some of the frustration I've been having with Baylor lately. It didn't. It only fueled it.

Spring break is almost here...

Too. Many. Options.

2009-03-01T14:33:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I've been doing some career research online as part of my career counseling...I am definitely more confused and overwhelmed now than I was before. There are way too many options, and the more I try to sort and categorize the options the more overwhelming the choices become.

Some nice Christian guy should just ask me to marry him. A rich nice Christian guy, preferably. That would make things so much easier...

:P

Of course, I'm an overachiever

2009-02-27T15:17:00.000-08:00

Emma: "Waaaait...you want to drop Spanish instead of anatomy, because you want to be able to say you got an A in the difficult weed-out class....(smile)...right?"

Of course. I can always take Spanish over again, but if I drop anatomy, it's the end.

Preparing to take a big blow to my ego come Monday or Tuesday...

All is okay with Baylor

2009-02-26T14:47:00.000-08:00

Translation:

After many discussions with my parents, career counseling, and lots of thinking, reading, and praying, I've made the decision to change my major from nursing to business and drop anatomy and take the grade of drop passing. All that's left to do is actually go into the office and make it official. Which I will hopefully have done soon...

(Underlying message of that last line: There's still a nagging voice in my head that says that this semester hasn't been successful if I do end up dropping a class...)

What I Hate About Baylor

2009-02-22T19:55:00.000-08:00

I hate that Baylor is a rich kid's university. You can't just consider the $35000/year price tag for tuition, room and board. You also have to consider lots of other things such as the fact that you will pay $4 a week to do laundry (unless you live in north village, in which case you will just pay a much higher price tag for your board), random tickets for plays, sing, etc., and probably around $20/week for food, even if you are on the 16 meal/week plan, because nobody wants to go eat at McDonald's or Taco Bell.

I hate that there is so much to do. There is just not enough time to do everything in the day that you HAVE to do, much less what you want to do. Yes, I love the fact that there are opportunities for social enhancements, resume building, and personal enrichment around every corner. I just don't have time to even scratch the surface of all the opportunities if I want to keep my grades up.

I hate that despite this being a rich kid's university, if I want to dress up and wear my business pants and heels, people will look at me funny. Doesn't matter that the girl over there is probably wearing $300 designer jeans and $100 flats with her Baylor Tshirt. Doesn't matter that I only paid $15 for my pants and $12 for my shoes. I'm going to be the one viewed as a snob. Oh yes.

I hate the stupid stereotypes that come with each residence hall. I also hate that a lot of them are true. I hate living in Collins. I am not a Collins girl. Nobody told me that when I say I live in Collins, people will look at me funny. Because living in Collins apparently means that I am an airhead who doesn't care about my studies as best, and a slutty sorority girl at worst. Please don't call me a Collins girl. I'm not.

I'm okay. Really, I am. I just need spring break to get here a little bit sooner...

2009-02-19T16:34:00.001-08:00

She was humbled as she realized just how many plans she had made for her life that God had changed. One by one she had made them, one by one He had torn them down. Even the ones she had been sure she had made during her closest moments with God and within His will were being torn away right in front of her. Or were they? God was feeling further away than He had before...were her plans changing the further she got from God? Was she really growing distant from God, or was it just a feeling? She still prayed, she still attended church every Sunday, she had amazing Christian friends, she spent time in the Word. Maybe not as often as she should, but still, she was spending time in the Word. The Word told her in the Psalms that God would give her the desires of her heart. What if she didn't know what she wanted? She wanted to be in God's will. Whether that meant marriage or singleness, graduate school or never finishing college, a successful career in the states or life as a missionary overseas, or whatever major she chose...she didn't want to find herself outside of God's will. It was just way too scary of a place to find herself.

God, am I making the right decision? Making one more mistake could really cost me this time...

This is Shaney. Shaney makes plans. God laughs.

2009-02-14T06:51:00.000-08:00

I called up my mother yesterday with a question that I am struggling with, and probably will be struggling with for the next few weeks.

How do you know if you want to change a major because you really think you'd like something else better, or if you're just being a wimp because of one hard class?

I made a D on my first anatomy exam. D. I don't make D's on exams. I've made C's, but typically I make A's and B's. The class is amazingly difficult-which is actually kinda sad because I took this class before, in high school, and made an A. So why am I struggling now? Is it because the teacher is hard, or because the subject matter is hard? Does the fact that I'm struggling now, in the prerequisite courses, mean that nursing is not the field for me? If just taking this one class is draining me, will I be able to handle nursing school?

OR am I just being a wimp because I don't like struggling through a class? It's not that I haven't struggled through classes before. When I took anatomy in high school I studied for that class for hours upon hours each day. When I took Chemistry in high school, I had a difficult time with that class as well. Classes like American Government were no walk in the park either. I don't know...I've just never struggled this much with a single class.

When I talked to Mom yesterday, one of the things she said to think about was what I wanted to do after graduation, and what I could do if I pursued a different degree. What if I really, honestly have no clue what I want to do? I do know that at some point I want to get married and have a family. Nursing was a good fit because it's so flexible. I can have a family and not give up my career. But is that why I chose it-because of the career flexibility, not because I actually enjoy the field itself? Do I like the field of nursing? I liked anatomy when I took it in high school-but was that because I actually enjoyed the subject matter? Or did I like it because the teacher was fun and the subject matter was new?

Are there other factors coming into play that make me want to change my major? The nursing school is in Dallas. If I change my major I wouldn't have to move in 2010. If the nursing school were here in Waco, would I still be thinking about changing my major, or would I put on my game face and stick with the program no matter how challenging?

I'll be wrestling with these questions over the next few weeks. Between spending time with God and His Word, nursing shadowing at Providence hospital, and continuing through anatomy, hopefully I'll find some clarity as to whether nursing is actually the field I want to be in or not. Whatever happens, God is in control. Whether I stay in nursing, or change my major, all I have to do is follow God's leading, wherever that is. Sometimes I just wish he would write it down where I could read it though. You know, something like the book of Baylor, chapter 50, verse 23 "...and Shaney shall stick with her nursing major," or "...and Shaney shall change her major to..."

Oh, and the plans to go on a missions trip to Africa in May fell through. Now I have no clue if, where, and when I'm going on a missions trip this summer.

We make plans, God laughs.

Dear...continued

2009-02-07T22:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Michelle,
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1001508/
Let me know when you're free and we'll go see it, okay? :)
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------
Dear Cotton,
No one may know what animal you are, but it doesn't matter. You're still amazingly cute, and I'm so glad I got to hold you for a little bit. Hopefully I'll see you again.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------
Dear adulthood,
You are overrated.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------
Dear college,
You are also overrated.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------
Dear freedom,
You, on the other hand, are not overrated. Unfortunately your fraternal twin responsibility keeps getting in your way.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------
Dear boys at swing dance,
Ask girls to dance. Ask a VARIETY of girls to dance.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------
Dear men at swing dance,
If you ask a variety of girls to dance:
Thank you.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------
Dear good dancers at Ft. Worth,
Thank you for not doing the same moves I'm used to over and over again, and forcing me to follow. It's so much fun.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------
Dear Dallas,
Thank you for being a beautiful city. At least I have something to look forward to when I move to nursing school.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------

Dear...Sincerely, Shaney

2009-02-07T21:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Anatomy,
Let me sleep already.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear Spanish,
Thank you for being relatively easy. Unfortunately, I'm still not that fond of you.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear schedule,
We need to make some adjustments.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear Ricki,
Fly to Texas. I love you. *Hug*
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear Sarah Ruth,
Move to Waco. Now. I need you. Got it?
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear Jonathan,
I'm sorry I haven't called. I'm just insanely busy. I'll call soon, I promise. Just not this weekend.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear GPA,
Just say up there. I'll catch up soon enough, okay?
Shaney
----------------------------
Dear Daddy,
I love when you send me text messages. You should send me more. :)
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear boys everywhere,
Be nice. Open the door and don't expect anything more than a smile and a thank you. Don't make sexist jokes and don't use "woman" as a derogatory term. It gets on my nerves.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear professors,
I have other classes too, you know.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear rich kids at Baylor,
No, your cars do not impress me. Neither do your phones. Or your clothes. Quit flaunting them.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear Stephen,
The above ^^ was not directed at you. I actually like your car and am sad that it got hurt :(
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear Emma,
You need a texting plan.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear long walks,
Thank you for keeping my sanity intact.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear life,
I hate you. I love you. I can't live without you.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear Shaney,
You really do have everything under control, even though it doesn't feel like it.
Sincerely, Shaney
----------------------------
Dear Shaney,
Hah. Quit fooling yourself.
Sincerely, Shaney

Randomness

2009-01-31T22:07:00.000-08:00

I wish I had more time to read books. I have several books checked out from the library right now, including one that looks REALLY interesting called "The Economics of Happiness", but I don't have time to read them. Hopefully I will get the time soon. I love reading.

I went on a walk for an hour and a half yesterday. I really needed it. Spent most of it off the Baylor campus, which was really, REALLY nice. I didn't realize how many apartment complexes were on the other side of the Baylor campus. Some of them looked really cute and were in closer walking distance of campus, but they also looked a little more ghetto. Part of me thinks that the ghetto-ness is worth having a front porch swing, though...

Over the course of my lifetime, I want to live in Denver, Chicago, New York City, and somewhere in Florida. I also want to go to Europe. I love traveling and different experiences.

Which is why I think God laughs when I think I'd like a lot of kids. Between all the stuff I want to do in life, I'll be in my 30s before I'll even have time to think of dating.

Sigh

2009-01-26T19:08:00.001-08:00

Life is starting to come back into balance. Maybe I'll actually be able to make good grades while going to bed early, attending every class and still keep an active social life.

Or maybe not. We'll see.

Aaaaaagh...

2009-01-22T22:08:00.000-08:00

BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!! THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TIME IN THE DAY!!!!

Oh. my. goodness. Last semester was nice...this semester is INSANELY BUSY!!!!!! Thank God that I don't have much in the way of social activities planned this weekend. Nobody call me to do anything. I have way too much to catch up on.

Random people I have been missing insanely lately for some reason:

*My family.
*Sarah and Tabitha Davies.
*Grace and Charity Chambers.
*Adam Hardy.
*Jonathan Snodgrass.

Y'all should move to Waco. Seriously.

*Cries*

Back at School

2009-01-14T13:03:00.000-08:00

Thoughts on my first days back at school:

*Getting up at 8am every day: Not liking it...but it does pretty much guarantee that stuff gets done during the day.
*Spanish homework guarantees procrastination. I hate Spanish homework.
*Despite hating Spanish homework, I'm surprised at how much I am able to understand in Spanish class. Maybe this won't be as difficult as I thought...or maybe I'm just in for a surprise.
*Psychology and Christian Heritage look like they'll be really interesting classes.
*Anatomy and Physiology is probably going to be pretty time consuming.
*History could be easy or difficult, it's impossible to tell at this point.
*It's so nice being done by lunch.
*Why do almost all of the psychology and Spanish exams have to be scheduled for the same days?
*I am definitely an ESTJ.
*I LOVE SWING DANCING.
*Yay for having lunch with friends. Because, other than that and swing dance, my social life will pretty much not exist this semester.
*Stephen, Jordan, Taylor, Austin, Anna, Shane, Emma, Michelle. Best friends ever.

2008 in review

2009-01-08T19:43:00.000-08:00

[X]stayed single
[] got kissed
[] kissed someone new
[] kissed in the snow
[] kissed in the rain
[] had my heart broken
[X] celebrated Halloween
[] broke someone else's heart
[] had a stalker
[X] lost a friend
[X] had a good [non-romantic] relationship with someone
[X] had a bad [non-romantic] relationship with someone
[ ] questioned my sexual orientation
[ ] came out of my closet
[ ] got pregnant
[ ] had an abortion
[ ] got married
[ ] had a divorce.
[ ] kissed someone of the same sex
[X] met someone that I will never forget
[X] did something I regret
[ ] lost faith in love for awhile
[ ] cried over a broken heart
[X] pretended to be happy
[] kissed under mistletoe
[] got a promotion
[X] got a pay raise
[] changed jobs
[] lost my job
[] quit my job
[] dated a co-worker
[] dated my boss
[] dated my boss's son/ daughter
[] got fired from my job
[X] got straight A's <---almost!
[] failed a class
[X] cut class
[X] skipped school
[X] did something I was proud of
[X] proved myself an idiot
[] embarrassed myself in front of the class
[] fell in love with a teacher
[X] was involved in something that I will never forget
[] painted a picture
[x ] wrote a poem
[X] ran a mile
[X] listened to music I couldn't stand
[X] double dipped
[] skinny dipped
[X] went to a sleepover
[X] went to camp
[ ] threw a surprise party
[X] laughed till I cried
[] flirted shamelessly
[x] visited a foreign country
[x] visited a foreign state
[] cooked a disastrous meal
[X] lost something important to me
[X] got a gift I love
[X] realized something new about myself
[] tried to gain weight<---who does that?
[X] dyed my hair
[] came close to losing my life
[] someone close to me died
[X] went to a wild party
[] got arrested
[X] read a great book
[X] saw a great movie
[X] saw a movie so scary that it made me cry
[] saw a favorite band live
[X] did something that I want to tell everyone
[X] experienced something new
[X] made new friends
[X]found out who your real friends are
[] lied to your parents
[] snuck out
[] kissed in a pool
[] kissed under the stars
[] liked more than 5 people at once
[X] became closer to people
[X] went to a party
[X] had the time of your life
[X] happy danced
[ ] fell out of love
[X] had a crush on someone
[ ] changed your sexual preference
[X] swam in a pool
[] made a snowman
[] went snowboarding
[ ] went sledding
[] slept in past 2 pm
[X] held someone’s hand [not romantically...]
[X] held someone’s hand that you care about
[] told someone you like them as more than a friend
[x] gone on vacation
[x] gone on vacation with a friend
[X] driven a car
[] played strip poker
[] danced in the rain
[] seen someone get in a car accident.
[] got in a fist fight.
[X] laughed until you couldn't breathe
[X] had an amazing year
[X] missed someone
[ ] got hit by car
[ ] blacked out
[X] feared the future
[ ] sent someone to the hospital
[ ] had to go to the hospital
[X] got sick
[] had a major surgery
[] got a new pet
[] mooned someone
[] went over your minutes on your cellphone
[] cut in a line of waiting people
[] kept your New Years resolution
[] remembered your New Years resolution
[X] met someone who changed your life
[X] given up on someone
[X] enjoyed this year overall

Minor changes become life changes

2009-01-05T10:22:00.000-08:00

Wow. So much has happened over this Christmas break. In terms of events, socializing, etc., not much has been going on...but that has given me some much needed time to think. And read. I've been doing a lot of both lately, and I'm definitely making some changes.

Biggest change first...I'm adding on a minor to my degree plan. This decision came about as a result of the fact that lately I've been feeling that I'm not really doing enough. Throughout my life I've pretty much always been an overachiever. I was the girl who, when told that she would hurt her GPA by taking a college sophomore-level lab science course as a junior in high school, said "I know this is what I want to do. Sign me up anyway," and, inside her head, thought "Bring it on. Just watch me make an A." And then did it. I was the girl who took Chemistry during the summer before her sophomore year of high school. I was the one who did 7th and 8th grade math in one year, then did geometry concurrently with algebra 1 and 2, and did calculus junior year. I was the girl who pretty much never said "no" when presented with the opportunity to take another class.

And I did it all on top of a lot of extra curricular activities. Swim team, speech, debate, piano, Awana, mission possible volunteer work...

But like any other student, senior year I got a terrible case of senioritis. I already had enough credits that if I had wanted to graduate after junior year, I could have. I was, frankly, tired of school. I still took my classes. I still got all A's. I just didn't feel the need to do any more than the bare minimum. I was still an overachiever, it just showed up in other areas-for example, I was definitely in the best shape of my life that year and won first place in a national speech competition. But school-wise, I just wanted to be done.

It was during this senior year "slump" that I had to make decisions about where I was going to school and what I was going to major in. I chose Baylor's nursing program. When I went to sign up for my first semester classes, I was happy to find that I had already gotten one of the classes out of the way through high school dual credit. I replaced it with a very easy class-beginning ballet-and took 14 hours this past semester. It was easy. I ended the semester with a 4.0. When I went to sign up for my classes this semester, I was still kinda tired of school. I also had one class out of the way for this semester, but instead of replacing it, I just decided to take four classes, 13 hours.

But then the end of the semester came. I started looking back at what I had accomplished. Sure, I had a 4.0. But I had only taken 14 hours. It hadn't been that difficult. I didn't feel like I was being challenged-and I like to be challenged. I also looked at what I would be taking for the rest of my semesters on the Waco campus, and saw that I would only need to take 13 hours on semester and 9 hours the other semester to complete all the nursing prerequisits. I chose a few electives I could take so that I would up those two semesters to 16 hours each-but somehow, I still didn't feel challenged enough.

I also started rethinking my choice of a major as well. All my old fears about being a nurse started creeping back again, that being "just an nurse" wasn't enough. (This was probably triggered when I found out that the chemistry course I took was for "non-science" majors. If I wanted to switch to pre-med, I'd have to take chemistry over again. This made me mad. Just go ahead and continue promoting the idea that nurses are inferior to doctors...). I started thinking about changing my major to something more...prestigious. Go the pre-med track...go into accounting and become a CPA...switch to University Scholars...switch to a business or economics major and go the pre-law track...all crossed my mind. I eventually decided to continue on with nursing, 1) because nothing else provides a career that is as flexible as nursing is, and 2) I still want to graduate in 2012. But even though I decided to stick with my major, I still needed to something so I felt challenged. Just adding a bunch more electives wasn't going to be enough. So I started looking into minors.

Psychology? Baylor doesn't offer a psychology minor. Spanish? Would take way too long to complete and would push back my graduation date. Business? Actually, that could work...AND it would give me an edge in the nursing management field...

So I'm making it official once I get back to Baylor. I'm declaring business administration as my minor. This is going to make a lot of changes, but I'm prepared to face all of them head-on. After all, I'm a girl who likes a challenge.

Change #1-I'm taking 16 hours instead of 13 hours this next semester. Not too big or too difficult of a change. It will still be five classes, just like last semester. So far none of the BA minor classes are available, so I added in Christian Heritage from 8am-915am on tuesdays and thursdays. 8am classes every day...not a change I want to deal with, but one I will deal with nonetheless.
Change #2-Instead of taking on class at ACC this summer, I'll be taking two. A literature class, and business computer applications.
Change #3-Summer 2010 is going to look really different. I had been hoping to study abroad for a five week session and then come home and relax before plunging into nursing school. Now it looks like I may not be coming home at all, nor going overseas. Most likely, I will be staying in Waco and taking two or three summer school courses to finish up the minor before heading to nursing school. I had really been looking forward to study abroad...oh well. It's not like I won't have plenty of overseas experience under my belt between the family month-long Australia and Malaysia trip last Christmas and the Africa missions trip this May, plus who knows what other missions trips and other overseas opportunities will come up in the future. And who knows-maybe I can still study abroad summer 2011.

This decision is going to cause a lot of changes in my life, but I love challenges and am ready to face these head-on. Look out, world. Shaney, the over-achiever, is back.

19

2008-12-31T10:28:00.001-08:00

Today begins my last trip around the sun as a teenager.

Yay for growing up.

Cleaning slates and changing roles

2008-12-20T11:52:00.000-08:00

Me: "I finally gave him the boot"
Stephen: "Only took you all semester"

Gah. Normally I'm nitpicky about the little things people do wrong and take awhile to get over it, but in the one relationship that's actually been unhealthy for me and needing to end, I've been willing to put up with too much for my own good. If I had been smart I would have listened to Stephen and Jordan earlier. But, point is, I finally woke up, got smart, and listened. Things should be going up from here, now that I don't have this holding me down.

Doesn't mean I'm still not sore at the person, though. Still have to finish reading the book that Jordan gave me, "How to Forgive Even When You Don't Feel Like It". Not looking forward to it, but I know I need to read it anyway.

Home life is very different now than it ever has been before. I really don't know exactly how I'm supposed to relate to my parents. I'm an adult, I take care of myself, but at the same time they are still my parents and they still pay for the roof that is over my head. Makes for some frustrations on my part, but they're still great and I still love them. Only a few weeks until I head back to Waco. Things won't be too bad.

I got a craving for tea yesterday, and when I opened up our pantry I found that we have lots of boxes of different teas. Black tea, apple cinnamon tea, peach tea, wild berry tea, lemon tea, orange tea, mint tea, chamomile tea...the funny thing is, we don't drink tea in my family. So I have idea where all this tea came from. It's probably been sitting in there for years. Oh well. Still tastes really good. Which is kind of funny, because I've never really liked tea before. I guess as you grow up things change.

Reflections on my first semester in college

2008-12-16T15:11:00.000-08:00

So, my first semester at Baylor is finished, more or less. I take my last final tomorrow morning and will be gone by the evening. College has exceeded my expectations. I love college so much, I have grown so much, become more independent, and learned a lot about God and myself. Honestly, I don't think I'm the same person now I was when I left Austin.

Some things I told my friend Sarah I've learned during this first semester (this list is definitely not comprehensive!):
~I've learned that I am fickle, but God is constant.
~I have learned that growing up comes with a lot of responsibilities.
~I have learned that I can handle it.
~I have learned that everything always works out in the end.
~I have learned that people are different, with different personalities, and how you relate to everyone is going to be different.
~I have learned that I am a lot more immature than I realized and I still have a lot of growing up to do.
~I have learned that college is even more of a bubble than I thought it would be. It's not the real world, but God works through it to prepare you for the real world nonetheless :)
~I have learned that hardly anything is as it seems at first.
~I have learned that I am still incredibly prideful and have a lot of humiliation to go through still before I am ever anywhere near on my way to being humble as Christ was.
~I have learned Christians are naturally attracted to other Christians. I assumed I would find Christian friends at church, so I didn't really look for them on campus. I never figured that I would find my best, closest Christian friends at swing dance! Who knew?
~I have learned just how deep friendship can run. While I had true friends in high school, I can only think of two or three friendships that ran as deep as the friendships I have now.
~I have learned that God has blessed me more than I deserve.Especially in the area of friendships. I don't deserve to have the friends I have, but God has decided to bless me anyways, and for that I'm thankful :)

That last lesson especially rings true for me as I look back on this past semester. What I will miss most about college, about Baylor, over the Christmas break will not be the gorgeous campus, walking everywhere, being on my own, or even swing dancing. What I will miss the most will be the new friends I have made. They say in order to have good friends, you need to be a good friend. I often think that I somehow got lucky to be an exception to that rule. I know that I am not nearly a good enough friend to deserve the friends that God has blessed me with this semester. God has given me some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for, and for that I am thankful.

Taylor Oh wow, where to start? Thank you for being the best twin a girl could ask for. Thank you for all the fun moments we shared together. Thank you for lending me your shoulder whenever I needed to cry, and offering tissues and chocolate to go along with it! Thank you for sitting with me and helping me talk through my feelings. Thank you for being honest with me when I needed you to be. Thank you for introducing me to the God box, to Redeeming Love, and to a new way of looking at life. Thank you for being a constant in my life, for loving me for who I am and accepting me unconditionally. Thank you for being an amazing sister in Christ. There's so much more that I could thank you for...for everything I've listed and everything I've forgotten, thanks so much. I only hope I can be half the best friend to you that you've been to me.

Jordan Thank you for always looking out for me, for walking me across campus when it's dark, and being there when I needed someone to be an overprotective older brother. Thank you for listening to me ramble on, sometimes for hours on end. Thank you for long walks around campus, honest and deep conversations, rides to CVS and Best Buy, and plenty of laughter, even at your expense. Thank you for your constant presence in my life as a gentleman and as a brother in Christ.

Stephen Thank you for being a constant example of true friendship, faithfulness, patience and unconditional acceptance. Thank you for being one of the best listeners I have ever known, for helping me through some of the difficult transitions I had to make during this first semester, and for patiently listening to my long facebook ramblings. Thanks for putting up with my girly mood swings and random frustrated text messages. Thanks for letting me squeeze your hand to death during the scary movie. Thank you for the car rides, the dances, and the movie nights at your dorm. Thanks for showing me what unconditional acceptance really is. Thank you for being an awesome friend and brother in Christ.

Anna Thanks for being a good listener and an awesome friend and sister in Christ. Thank you for your constant hospitality, for your awesome cooking, and for organizing the awesome potluck dinner. Thanks for asking me to room with you next year, I can hardly wait!

Austin Thank for just being Austin, for showing me how to be relaxed, have fun, and take life as it comes. Thanks for loving me even when I get on your nerves. Thanks for being an awesome friend and brother in Christ.

Shane Thanks for being a constant source of entertainment and general awesomeness. At the same time, thanks for being serious, being a good listener and a good source of advice when needed. Thanks for knowing when to be which. Thanks for the awesome weekend at your house, for wonky swing dances, and for being a brother in Christ.

Emma Thank you for long walks and deep conversations, and being an awesome sister in Christ. Thanks for wanting to know the real answer when you ask "how are you?". Thanks for being a great friend.

Sarah Thanks for being an amazing sister in Christ and fellow lover of music, swing dance, and deep thinking.

Landon Thanks for being a fun person to be around, for holding on to me while watching scary movies, and for being an awesome friend and brother in Christ. Have fun in Italy!

Michelle Thank you for accepting me into your circle of friends even though you're a fifth year senior and I'm just a freshman, for checking up on me at random times, for lunch after church, and being an amazing sister in Christ that I can look up to.

Tracey Thanks for teaching me how to be a better dancer, and being an awesome friend.

Katie Thank you for little person hugs and for being a sweet and fun person to be around.

I do not deserve to have y'all as my friends, and I am thankful that God decided to bring y'all into my life anyways. God bless all of you!

YAY!!!

2008-12-16T15:09:00.001-08:00

It snowed this morning! It wasn't much, and it melted quickly, but being a Texan it was enough to put a HUGE smile on my face!

I finally have most of my grades back. I got 94 on my chemistry and sociology finals, which means I have A's in both of those classes. I also have an A in ballet, acting, and my chem lab.

I only have my Christian Scriptures final left, which I only need a 62 on in order to make an A.

This means I'll be finishing the semester with a 4.0. Yay!

ACK!

2008-12-15T12:23:00.000-08:00

It's below freezing here in Waco, and the wind chill factor is around 20. I am going to die.

I took my chemistry final this morning. I'm still waiting for the final grade, but I feel really good about it. I have to get a 90 in order to get an A in the class, and I think I got a 92. Think, don't know. Still waiting to find out.

I have my sociology final in 2 hours. My final performance in acting is tomorrow morning, and my final in Scriptures is Wednesday morning.

The next couple of days are going to be relatively quiet and uneventful, probably, because everybody is leaving. Stephen has probably left already, Jordan is leaving tonight, Taylor, Austin, and Anna are leaving tomorrow morning, and my roommates are leaving tomorrow afternoon. Shane and Emma are the only ones also staying through Wednesday. I think we're planning on playing monopoly tomorrow night. Yay...

Michelle Kick is still the coolest. She took me out to lunch with her and Tracey yesterday after church. Turns out she and my "adopted" Uncle Tim work together. Small world.

Well I've got studying, cleaning, and packing to do. Missing all of my Baylor friends already. Stay safe, awesome, and warm y'all. If God decides to so bless me I will see all of you again in 2009!

Quiet+me=Deep scary thoughts

2008-12-11T21:02:00.000-08:00

I am so weird.

I am in the middle of dead week right now. Nothing happens during the day. Nothing. I am supposed to have 24 free hours every day to study for finals. I actually have time and quiet. I should be relaxing and taking this time to study for finals, without stressing out.

Apparently, quiet and I do not work well together. You know what I end up doing? I end up thinking. That's right, thinking. What about? I start thinking about the fact that I am growing up. I start thinking about all the stuff that goes with growing up. And by all...I mean all. Buying a car. Maintaining a car. Buying an apartment. Buying groceries. Making a budget. Getting insurance. Getting my own credit card. Getting my own bank account, apart from my parents.

So what do I do with some of my down time from studying? I start googling and researching these topics. No joke.

And then I start thinking about how much I still have to do NOW before I actually really, truly have to think about some of the above things. Looking into studying abroad summer 2010. Applying for a job at the SLC next semester. Applying for the missions trip to Africa.

Then, tonight, I looked at my space around me and freaked out because it was messy, and I wondered how I ever thought I could be an adult and think about all these different things when I can't even keep my space clean. So I went on a cleaning rampage. The space is not completely clean yet, but a lot if it is clean, and that makes me feel better. I'll clean the rest tomorrow.

Oh my goodness, I am so weird.

At the same time, I feel that I'm finally growing up.

But this sudden "responsibility rampage" of mine (as a friend called it) still has me a little weirded out. I am so odd...

Time flies...

2008-12-10T21:57:00.000-08:00

I think it just hit me for the first time today that I am an adult, and with that brings a whole host of responsibilities that I am not sure I'm prepared for. I'll figure it out eventually, though. I kinda have to. Yay for living on my own...

In other news...the December Ft. Worth swing dance was on Friday. Drove there and back with Stephen, which was really nice because I actually like the way he drives. I've become picky about the way people drive. Got to dance with a lot of good people while in Ft. Worth. I also got to meet Stephen's sister Michelle. The two could seriously pass for twins without trouble. Michelle is such a sweet and fun girl. I like her. :)

Austin turned 20 on Monday. We celebrated on Sunday by going out to Olive Garden for dinner, then going to Season's Creamery and eating cheesecake that Anna made and cookies that Stephen made. They were really good.

Tuesday was the swing dance pajama jam. Lots of fun, though very tiring. I played billiards with Bennett, Stephen and Taylor. Bennett and Taylor made one team, Stephen and I made another. Bennett and Taylor won by default when Stephen scratched the 8 ball, but we decided to keep playing anyways and somehow I managed to win for us. Turns out I don't suck quite as bad as I used to. I even managed to sink a ball shooting behind my back. Still don't know how I managed that one. We managed to stuff 6 people into Taylor's 5 person car to carpool over to the party, so I made sure to get a ride with Stephen back so we didn't have to go through that again. We talked about the whistle Stephen's car does in cold weather and the Trans-siberian orchestra.

Tonight was decorate your leader night at Awana. I have pictures at the link below (no, I was not the leader who got decorated):
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=53546&l=c5db4&id=609678136

Tomorrow night I'm eating dinner with my sociology professor's family. I'm so excited.

I have so much to do over the next few days and Christmas break. Apply for the Africa missions trip, apply for a job at the SLC next semester, sign up to take summer courses at ACC, look into hospital volunteering over the summer, look into going abroad summer 2010, find out if I'm going back to my old lifeguarding job this summer or looking for a new one, deciding if I want to intern with Awana this summer, etc...

And I should be asleep so I can get up and spend tomorrow (today, technically) productively. Studying for finals (chemistry especially), working out at the SLC, lunch with friends, dinner with the Doughertys...

'Night everyone.

Little Things

2008-12-07T14:07:00.001-08:00

I have found since coming to Baylor that I notice the little things a lot more now. It seems almost any nice gesture of any sort will brighten up my day.

Today in church, "Hey, I was sitting back there and I noticed you so I thought I would move up here."

Michelle Kick, you are the best :)

Something I've been contemplating...and I really want to know your thoughts

2008-12-03T21:42:00.000-08:00

Where is "home"?

The answer to that question used to be easy. Home was wherever the people I loved were. Specifically, that meant Austin, TX.

But that definition isn't really working for me right now. My family is in Austin, and some of my best friends are there too. But now that I've basically established a completely different life for myself here in Waco, I've got a set of friends here that I know love me and accept me for who I am. They will be there for me when I need them, stick by my side when I'm going through a difficult time or simply riding a random girly emotional roller coaster, and sit down and have deep conversations with me. Jordan, Stephen, Taylor, Anna, Austin...they're all here.

When I'm in Waco, I miss my family and friends in Austin.
When I'm in Austin, I miss my friends from Waco.

So where is home? Is it Austin or Waco? Or do I have two homes? Or do I not have a home...?

I considered defining "home" as wherever my family is, but somehow now that I'm technically an adult and establishing my own life separate from my family, that definition doesn't quite seem appropriate.

Maybe I'm just stuck in this home-less phase until I get married, then "home" will be wherever my husband is.

I don't know...what I do know is that I am now really, really dreading moving to Dallas in 2010. Imagine, having THREE homes!

But in all seriousness...what is "home"? This is not a rhetorical question. I really want to hear your thoughts on this.

Adorable Awana moments

2008-12-03T19:35:00.000-08:00

So tonight before Awana started, one of my sparkies, Kameron, pulled a candy bracelet out of his pocket and said "I got you this for Thanksgiving." "Awww, thanks!" I said. "It has a heart," he continued, "It stands for I love you." It was freakin' adorable. "Awww, how sweet!" I opened up the bracelet and put it on.

Five minutes later, his sister comes over and Kameron pulls out another candy bracelet, to which she promptly exclaims, "Those are MINE!" Uh oh. "You stole them!" "Kameron!" I said, "Did you steal these bracelets from your sister?" "We share the same candy jar," he replied. "Yeah, but those are MY Hannah Montana bracelets!" his sister retorted. I felt quite bad. "So, this bracelet is actually yours?" I asked. "Yes, but you can keep it," she said. "Awww, thank you sweetheart," I said, and she gave me a hug. It was really sweet.

Despite his misguided actions, Kameron really is a sweet kid. Later that night he gave me his coloring page (just like he does every week, it's so sweet), only this time across the top it said "I love you Ms. Lee". AWWWWWWW!

I'm kind of sad, though, because his mom told me tonight that they're moving to Abilene in February. So sad.

And while walking down the stairs from story time to game time, Madelynn grabbed my hand and held on the entire way down. Not because she needed me to help her in getting down the stairs. Just because she wanted to. My heart just melted.

I really really really love my sparkies. I look forward to seeing them every week. It's obvious that they really look up to me and think I'm one of the greatest things on planet earth. I'm guaranteed a lot of love and laughter every week. I don't know what I would do without my time with them every week. Go crazy, probably. Just being with them reminds me of so many things...I think hanging around little kids helps bring everything into perspective. The way they view the world is so refreshing. Sure, it's limited, but at the same time I wonder if it's more in focus than mine. The way everything excites them, and they love you because you're...you.

It also reminds me that there is a world outside of Baylor...a world that is composed of more than college kids. Seriously. In any given week, my only interaction with non-college kids is with my professors, with maybe my adoptive family at church (of whom I really need to see more of), and with the sparks on Wednesdays. As much as I love Taylor and Jordan and Stephen, and Austin and Anna, and Shane and Emma, and all my other friends...I really think that if I were to only hang out with them, my life would be incomplete. Interaction with other generations is something I desperately need. My Sparkies are a Godsend to help with that. They remind me that the world is fresh and new, exciting and full of possibilities...and that life is amazingly simple.

I love my Sparkies so much.

Next week is "decorate your leader" night. My kids are really excited about that. I'll definitely be taking my camera...should have some interesting pictures :)

Weekend at Shane's House

2008-11-24T08:37:00.000-08:00

On Thursday, November 20, Shane asks me "So do you want to go to my house tomorrow?" Completely forgetting that Shane lives in Allen residence hall on campus, I assumed that Shane meant that he lived in a house off-campus and was inviting me over for the afternoon the next day, so I said "Okay." Wondering why I had never heard Shane talking about his house before, I asked him "Where is your house?" His reply was "East Texas." It then clicks that he's not talking about a house that he lives in off-campus (at this same point I also remember that Shane lives in Allen), but is rather inviting me to go back with him to his parents' house. "So you're talking about a weekend trip?" "Yes," Shane said. After finding out that Austin and Anna were going too, my answer remained the same, "Okay."

So on Friday Shane, Austin, Anna, Emma, and myself all packed up and headed for Shane's house in East Texas at 4pm. We headed to Tyler first to get dinner at Olive Garden. We arrive at Shane's house around 9:15, if I remember correctly. As soon as we walk inside, I fell in love with the house. It was GORGEOUS. I wish I had taken more pictures of the house because words can't adequately describe it. It was an incredibly spacious, two-story house. Every room was decorated really well. The living room was a peaceful blue...Shane's sister's room was an incredibly beautiful room that felt like it came from a fairy tale...the kitchen was incredibly cozy feeling, even though sometimes things were hard to find because everything either was or looked like wood. Even the refrigerator looked like a wood door. Shane took us on a tour of the house. His parents and younger brother Austin got back around 10. We stayed up a little longer, eating cheesecake and talking. Finally, around 10:45 or so we all went to bed.

The next morning we woke up sometime around 9. When I walked out into the living room, I was told that a chihuahua had wandered to the Tindle's backyard and wouldn't leave. It was an incredibly cute dog, and it didn't have a collar. We decided that either eventually it would make its way back home, or we would go figure out which neighbor it came from.

I decided I wanted to cook breakfast, so I made french toast and scrambled eggs. I hadn't madfrench toast in years, so I was very happy when it turned out well.The stove area became my little haven as I cooked the french toast :)

After breakfast, we went for a walk through the Tindle's property. They own 30 acres, most covered with trees. The property is absolutely gorgeous. As we walked around I kept thinking, "This is what fall is supposed to look like!" The chihuahua decided it wanted to go with us and followed us for the whole walk.

After we got back from the walk, we decided we wanted to make tacos and fajitas for lunch. So we drove to Wal-Mart and bought groceries. We came back, made the tacos and fajitas, and had lunch. It was really, really good. Why does food always taste better when you make it yourself? I honestly can't remember what we did for the rest of the afternoon, probably because, in all honesty, we did mostly nothing. Which was really, really nice. In the evening we decided to go see if we could find the chihuahua's owner, since the dog had stuck around all day. We were unsuccessful, so we took the dog home, gave him a bath (or, more accurately, Shane and some of the others gave him a bath while I made fruit pizza), and the chihuahua became the Tindle's newest pet. We had become accustomed to calling him Taco, but Mr. Tindle got to officially name him and settled on "Jose" after Jeff Dunham's "Jose Jalepeno on a stick".

Me with Taco :)

When dinnertime came we were still full from lunch, so we just ate queso and fruit pizza while playing cranium. Definitely a lot of hilarious moments during that game :) After the game Shane, Anna, Emma and I showed Mrs. Tindle swing dancing moves, because she's never seen Shane dance before.

That night Shane decided to put on "The Prestige" for us to watch. It was definitely a very intense and very confusing movie. Just like every movie that I've watched lately, I teared up during a couple intense parts. At the end, I felt really confused. According to Shane, you have to watch the movie at least two times to catch everything. I guess I'll have to watch it again sometime.

The next morning was, once again, mostly doing nothing...watching Austin jump into the freezing cold pool, eating biscuits for breakfast, playing with Taco, showering, packing up, talking about dating, courting, and kids. Lunch was an AMAZING meal prepared by the Tindle's grandmother, Mrs. Tindle, and Shane. Green bean casserole, ham with brown sugar, home baked bread, potatoes, beans, cheesy ragu macaroni, etc...it was really, REALLY good. Conversation mostly centered around why each of the five of us had chosen to attend Baylor. The Tindle's grandmother was the last student to graduate from the Baylor nursing program before it got transferred to Dallas in the fifties, and she told her story. It was incredibly neat to hear.

After lunch, we finished cleaning and packing, and headed back for the Baylor campus at about 2:30. We got back about 4:45.

Although at first I was wondering if I was making a wise decision taking the weekend of to go to Shane's house, or if I should have stayed behind and used the weekend to study, I am definitely glad I went to Shane's house. I realized that I haven't had a real break this entire semester. The two times I have been home, I've had a lot of things to do while there. This weekend, I had absolutely nothing to do, and it was glorious. I came back feeling incredibly refreshed. I also really enjoyed the "out in the boonies" feel-there was no cell phone reception, and plenty of trees and wildlife. At college, I feel like I am constantly connected thanks to the cell phone and internet, and it was nice to take a weekend to disconnect. It also gave me a chance to invest in relationships-new ones (Mrs. Tindle and Emma) and not so new ones (Shane, Austin, and Anna). It was especially nice to be able to interact and relate with them in a context separate from college. This weekend was definitely a needed and very much appreciated refresher.

L-R: Austin, Anna, Emma, me, Shane

Oh, and Mrs. Tindle is such a strong Christian and inspiring woman. If you haven't gotten a chance to meet her, you're definitely missing out! :)

Spring 2009 Class Schedule

2008-11-18T10:04:00.000-08:00

Biology 2401-01-Anatomy & Physiology 1-MWF 8:00-8:50
Biology 2401-C-Anatomy & Physiology Lab-M 1:25-3:20
Biology 2401-C-Anatomy & Physiology Lab Lecture-Th 3:30-4:20
History 1307-01-World History since 1500-MWF 9:05-9:55
Psychology 1305-04-Introduction to Psychology-TTh 9:30-10:45
Spanish 2310-08-Intermediate Spanish-TTh 11:00-12:15
Chapel 1088-03-Chapel-MW 11:15-12:20

My Baylor Best Friends

2008-10-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

\If you've heard me talking about life at Baylor I've probably mentioned to you at one point or another "my three best friends at Baylor." So for those of you who follow along with my life via this blog, I'm going to introduce you to them! :)

Taylor

A couple weeks into the school year, I started asking friends and family back home to pray that God would bring a strong Christian girlfriend into my life. Taylor is the answer to that prayer! She is a 17 year old freshman engineering major from Marshall, TX. She is a strong Christian and such a sweet and funny girl. She always knows how to put a smile on my face. She and I think the same about a lot of things, to the point that we joke about sharing the same brain wavelengths. Despite only knowing her for a few weeks, we have already started finishing each other's sentences and completing each other's thoughts. We are so alike in so many ways that we call each other "twin". When her parents were up for parent's weekend and mine weren't, I hung out with her family for the day, and she joked that I fit in with her family better than she does. When I need to cry, she is the one I call. Within minutes she will be by my side with her shoulder, tissues, and chocolate! She is such a blessing and I am SO thankful that God has put her in my life!
StephenStephen is a 19 year old sophomore business major from Ft. Worth, TX. He is the swing dance instructor as well as a trip leader for the Baylor outdoor adventure living-learning center. He is like my "big brother" here at Baylor because while he doesn't have any qualms about teasing and annoying me, he is also an incredibly caring person and doesn't mind me being open and honest about how I feel about things-in fact, he encourages it. He is an incredible listener. He also cares for me like a big brother does, always making sure I'm okay. I think "are you doing okay?" is the question he's asked me the most. Although we often disagree and bicker about he "hows" of chivalrous behavior, he is still a gentleman in that he is incredibly respectful and kind. If you have ever wondered if it is possible for a guy to strike the balance between being "tough" and "tender", wonder no more. Stephen really has found a good balance between the two. If I was ever in any sort of danger or trouble of any sort, Stephen would be the first person I call.

Jordan

Jordan is an 18 year old freshman geology major from Dallas, TX. He was a missionary kid in Brazil for most of his life. He is incredibly chivalrous, often going above and beyond what I think should be required for chivalrous behavior. He also takes the safety and well-being of his "young lady" friends incredibly seriously, more so than any other guy I have ever met. If I ever need a guy to be my overprotective brother, he's the one I go to. He also does whatever he can to cheer me up if he knows I'm having a difficult time-he's the one who will text me the "My Girl" lyrics in the morning while I'm getting ready for classes. He has a lot of weird quirks, but that's what make him special.
I was so very incredibly happy that my family got to meet all three of these amazing friends when they were dropping me off tonight. They really, really liked all three of them. As my family was leaving my mom turned to me and said "You chose really good friends, honey." That made me very happy! Y'all three are amazing and I <3 y'all!

How Shaney spent her "Fall Break"

2008-10-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

*Left right after Scriptures class ended on Thursday.
*Drove straight to AWANA
*Spent Thursday evening at AWANA
*Doctor's appointment at 10 Friday morning at which she got three shots-a tuberculosis test, a meningitis vaccine, and a flu shot.
*Dentist's appointment at noon.
*Shopping at Goodwill with mother. Found her halloween costume (a 20s flapper dress with gloves and a headband) as well as a really nice looking faux leather jacket for $10
*Went to the grandparent's house for dinner and game night.
*Practice speech and debate tournament Saturday morning and afternoon at which she got to judge two debate rounds and an impromptu round!!! :D (Side note: Lill/Rogers will make it to nats this year, and both of them are REALLY GOOD speakers, improving even from last year...but Avery seriously blew me away with her ability to speak smoothly and sum everything up in the most easy to understand language)
*"Purpose Driven Death" conference Friday evening at which Brett Harris spoke, and she finally got to meet him in person after working with him for over a year.
*Realizing Saturday night that she hadn't even started a paper which was due on Friday, the day before. Writing the paper without the necessary book, knowing she'll start out with a reduced score and probably get a bad score anyway.
*Looking at the grading system on the syllabus and realizing that even if she had skipped the paper entirely she would have still had a good shot at an A, and therefore any score on the paper means it's highly likely she'll still get an A in the class.
*High Pointe Baptist Church Sunday morning at which she got to see Taylor Lassiter and the Helton family, and got to hear John Piper speak.
*Shopping at Wal-Mart with mom and Shannon.
*Buying her own camera at Best Buy.
*Going to Shawna's choir and getting to watch the mini talent show.(Her sister is such a talented story writer!)
*Driving back up to Waco with the entire family
*Dinner with the family and Taylor at Denny's
*Getting Jordan and Stephen to come over so that her entire family got to meet her three best friends at Baylor. Her parents like all three of them, and that makes her very happy! :)
*Dinner/dessert with Stephen at Ihop.
* Making a total fool of herself not being able to find the handle on Stephen's car door when he dropped her off at her dorm.

A friend just sent this to me...

2008-10-10T15:15:00.000-07:00

BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN SISTER

by Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ

that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin''

I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.

I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,

My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...

I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,

I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Pretty is as Pretty does... but beautiful is just plain beautiful!

'I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.' Phil: 4:13

Nikos Fall Retreat and Learning Humility

2008-09-28T19:53:00.000-07:00

If you asked me what sin I struggle with the most, I would tell you that pride is my greatest struggle. Humility does not come naturally to me. This weekend, God decided to give me a lesson in humility. Although it hurt, I am so thankful He did, because "God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble." (James 4:6, 1 Peter 5:5)

For those of you who don't know, I have been involved with a ministry in Austin called Mission:Possible! since I was twelve years old. One of the ministries they have is a camping ministry, where they take inner-city kids out camping for a week or weekend. They do four camps a year-a weekend spring retreat, a week-long summer camp, a five-day summer road trip, and a weekend fall retreat. I have been a counselor at these camps since I was thirteen years old. I absolutely love this ministry with my whole heart and love being able to serve God by loving these kids. Through this ministry I have learned so much about myself, others, and God. This past weekend was the fall retreat, and I was going for my sixteenth time as a counselor.

When I got there, I was already dead tired thanks to staying up until almost two the night before talking with Jonathan, Grant, and Stephen at Common Grounds, but I made sure to get a really good night's sleep on Friday to be prepared for the kids coming on Saturday. I was the most experienced counselor there, and I was excited to get to love on these kids again...or so I thought. Looking back now, I realize that I let the fact that I had done this so many times before get to my head, and I started relying on my experience and my own strength instead of depending on God to work through me. God set it up perfectly: Friday night, Tres talked about how oftentimes we expect to have so much energy because "God will give us energy" when in reality God often give us barely enough energy to make it through the day, just so we know that it was Him working and not us in our own strength.

So Saturday comes, I wake up feeling great and excited about the kids coming. We do some last minute preparation, and the kids arrive around 10:30. My fellow counselors and I got our girls and we plunged right into the activities. During the afternoon, I actually lifeguarded for four hours straight instead of going to all the different activities with my girls, but it was okay because we actually ended up with four counselors to three girls (which NEVER happens at a Nikos retreat!) so we had a one-to-one camper/counselor ratio (which is ideal, but we also thought would never, ever happen in a million years. God is good!) I make it through the afternoon...boring but still okay. Dinner comes, and I start getting a headache. After dinner was going to be a flour bomb fight, but I KNEW there was absolutely no way I was going to be able to make it through. So I told my fellow counselors that I was going to go sleep my headache off...half an hour later I wake up and my head is KILLING me. I swear, my brain turned to lead. It felt so heavy, and it was THROBBING. As much pain as I was in, I forced myself out of the tent and went and found Mrs. Pinson, who promptly sent me to the house to get painkillers. I took the painkillers, but found myself feeling nauseous, and ever time there was a light change it felt like an explosion in my head. I thought I had a migraine, but Mrs. Pinson said it was a sinus headache (she was right). The thought of spending the night in a tent in the woods was absolutely torturous. I knew there was no way I could make it, so I called my mom to come and pick me up.

So I got home, and was thinking about how sad it was that I was missing the rest of the retreat. I didn't get a chance to know my girls, I didn't get to see God work in their lives, I didn't get to see God working in ANYONE's lives. As I was thinking about this I started consoling myself by thinking "God's purposes for the weekend are still going to be accomplished for the weekend. Even without me there. In fact, if God's purposes would have been better accomplished with me there, He would have kept me there. Like Tres said, God gives us enough energy to make it through the day. He didn't give me that energy, so His plans must be better accomplished without me there...wait a minute."

God's plan was better accomplished with me out of the way.

OUCH!

And in that moment, I realized just how much of a prideful attitude I had about the whole retreat. I had been relying on my years of experience instead of relying on God. The hilarious part was, that morning I had prayed that God would give me humility: "Lord, let me see that it is not me working, but that it is You working through me." Well, apparently God decided that the best way to teach me humility was to NOT work through me, and to work through others instead. It was as if God was saying "I do not need your experience to accomplish my purposes. I want a heart that is dependent upon Me."

Ouch, ouch, ouch!

But you know what? It's okay. I am content with what happened, because I know God has a bigger and better plan. I also know that I am not even close to finished with learning humility. It is going to be a lifelong struggle, but I know that God loves me enough to keep patiently teaching me. I hope that it doesn't take me too long to learn, because I want to be someone that God can work through. I don't want my pride getting in the way.

So, how was the retreat? "Disappointing but good". Why? Because God is good. His plans are best, and He loves me enough to work in my life, even when it's not the way I would choose. After all, those whom the Lord loves, He chastises. I swallowed a big helping of chastisement this weekend, but I know that means that God loves me and is working on my character.

Life part 2

2008-09-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

...there was a period of time for about 24 hours when I was really super worried about her. Reason being that I have a horrible tendency to assume worst-case scenarios. In this case, worst case scenario would be a brain tumor. I had several people tell me "It's probably nothing," but that didn't keep me from worrying one bit. This is probably because the possibility of a brain tumor hits waaaaaaay too close to home-my best friend died from a brain tumor when we were thirteen. Thank the Lord Shannon is completely okay, but that thought process got me thinking about death and life.

Growing up, I experienced the death of someone very close to me twice. The two experiences couldn't have been more polar opposites. As I already said, when I was thirteen, my best friend died from a brain tumor. This was very sudden (she died less than a week after she was diagnosed), and totally unexpected. Even when I heard the diagnosis, I was positive that if anyone could overcome something like that, Adrienne could. She was so full of life. When she did pass away, I was devastated. I had never cried so hard in my life, and I'm not sure I've ever cried as hard since. I was ANGRY at God. It took weeks of searching and seeking before I finally came to the conclusion that I still believed in God, and that I believed that He is good. Although the experience made my faith so much stronger, it also started me down a path that could have easily caused me to walk away from my faith.

In complete contrast, when I was seventeen, my great-grandmother died at age 104. Unlike Adrienne's death, Nana's death was completely expected, and the "dying process" had taken place over several months. I was not upset when she passed away. In fact, I thanked God that she was in a better place, no longer in pain. I didn't even cry until over a month after she passed away.

I was thinking about these two ladies of faith and the vastly different experiences I had when the Lord called them home. But then I realized that there was one thing both of them had in common.

Both of them had honored God with their lives and fulfilled His purpose for them.

And I started thinking-if I were to die tomorrow, would I be ready? Could people say that I had honored God with my life and fulfilled His purpose for me?

I want to live life ready to die. But what does that look like? I started thinking about all the different things I wanted to do with my life. God has given me a dream to adopt a large family. I'm currently studying to be a nurse. When will God's purpose for my life be complete? After the last child has grown and left the house? After I serve God as a nurse for so many years?

But then I stopped, and I thought...what if I died tomorrow? Could I give up my dreams if God would be glorified more in my death? If God were to be more glorified in my death, then how would I measure the life I have lived so far? How do I know if I am ready to die?

Then the answer came to me...all I need is Jesus. And I realized that as long as I am learning to love Jesus more and more each day, I am ready to die. When I think about Adrienne, the first thing that comes to my mind wasn't the times we would look in magazines and point out which guys were cute and which guys were ugly. The first thing that comes to my mind isn't even doing dance ministry together. The first thing that comes to my mind is...she loved Jesus. Adrienne was ready to die because she loved Jesus, and served Him as a result of that love.

I don't know when God is going to call me home. Although Nana died peacefully in her sleep, there was a moment several months before that when I was visiting her in the rehabilitation home when she started to suffocate from fluid buildup in her lungs. I remember standing there helplessly waiting for EMS to arrive, thinking "I am going to watch my own flesh and blood die right here in front of me!" God didn't call Nana home at that moment-but He could have. He can call me home at any time.

I want to be ready. I want to live ready to die. I want love Jesus.

In the end, that's all that matters.

Learning Christ's Dance

Why I have the best boyfriend EVER!

2010 Review

Spring 2011 Class Schedule

I am so blessed!

Discussing Dating: Part 1

Summer ends soon!

For those who have asked: Dating vs. Courting

Halfway There

Think About It

Fall 2010 Class Schedule

Life is Tough

Hero

Sooo...what exactly is sin?

It's Okay to be Judgmental

The most impacting paradigm shift I've experienced

Heaven, we need some paradigms shifted

Learning About Trust

Sorting Out

I am so spoiled

I don't think you have a clue

Blessings of God

Thoughts on living in the era of grace

Majors, minors, careers, LIFE...why?

Letter to myself

I'm finally home...

Dear American Culture

I should quite trying...

The scariest prayer I've ever prayed?

Composing and Writing

Spring 2010 Class Schedule

Pray for Sarah Ruth

Psalm 63

I finally have *my* life back?

MLIOK

Family Prayer

Bathroom Verses

Processing

I'll Let You Eavesdrop

Life update

Not that anybody sends me flowers...

Do I really give freely?

You Are Beautiful

When God Uses Google...(and a random, undeserving girl)

All I saw was the blood on your hands

Sing me sweet melodies of memories

EXCITEMENT

Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun...

Fall 2009 Schedule

Summer Closes

My New Address!

What is Maturity?

Mr. and Mrs. Bryan Davis

Camp Nikos!

I'm such a nerd

Indulgence

Life keeps moving

End of freshman year

Poetry consumes my life...at times

It will never be the same

??

Ramblings

Only You

Love Languages

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Physical Touch

About this quiz

Really?

Craziness

What I've Been Learning

Stereotypical Homeschooler?

Ugh

Too. Many. Options.

Of course, I'm an overachiever

All is okay with Baylor

What I Hate About Baylor

This is Shaney. Shaney makes plans. God laughs.

Dear...continued

Dear...Sincerely, Shaney

I finally have my life back?

Sigh