Processing

Daniel: "He graciously didn't let you get more involved so that it didn't hurt more. It could have easily happened where you gave cpr and they both still died, or you had to pick which one to give cpr to."

Me: "Oh...I hadn't thought of that."

This process is a lot slower than I would like it to be. I'm meeting with Kyle (my college pastor) tomorrow to talk through everything.

I have been getting so angry at God during my prayer time that I have actually said, out loud, "What the f***, God?" ...and then cried.

I don't want to get mad at God, and I don't want to go through each day playing the "What if?" and "Why?" games.

I just want life to return to normal.

...but I guess it's not going to, is it? After all, this is no movie, or television drama, or novel. This is my life.

Processing is a painful process.

I'll Let You Eavesdrop

God, can we talk for a minute?

Or rather, can I vent and you listen? Thanks.

I don't get it, God. I just don't get it. It really seems like You didn't think this one through. It seems like you went to a lot of trouble to make sure that I was at the wreck when it happened. From Adam gently pushing me to leave Brownwood so that I didn't drive in the incoming storm, to being pulled over by the policeman when I honestly thought I was fine, to getting lost and having to backtrack to Waco Drive...You sure did go to a lot of trouble to get the timing right.

For what reason, God? It doesn't seem to have made a difference that I was there.

I wasn't planning on becoming a lifeguard five years ago. That was a job that You pretty much handed to me. Because of that job, I have been training for years on how to respond in an emergency situation. I knew exactly what I needed to do. Even as I saw the men in the truck, the thoughts of "I need to check the ABCs...airway, breathing, circulation..." were right there in my mind, screaming at me. But I was helpless to do anything. Why? Because the door was in the way. It took at least five firemen leaning on the giant pliers to get the door loose. I could have done something, God. I was six inches away from helping them and a stupid piece of metal and glass kept me from doing so. You could have done something. Why didn't You?

Why did they have to die, God? I called 911 not even ten seconds after the wreck happened. EMS was there in less than five minutes. I couldn't have responded more quickly, God. But it wasn't soon enough.

God, all I'm trying to say is that it doesn't make sense. It really seems like you put a lot of thought into this one-from putting a job in my lap that would prepare me to respond to this five years ago to timing my driving down to the very second so that I was at the wreck but not caught in it...for no reason at all. I couldn't do anything, God. I was completely helpless to actually do anything. So it all seems pretty pointless, God.

I know that You're the all-knowing, all-powerful, all-perfect Creator of the universe and I am a pathetic, insignificant, doubting sinner who is nothing more than a blip on the screen, and therefore I'm in no position to ask You this. But I feel like You owe me an explanation. Because dang it, God, You did a pretty darn good job of planning this one out. You better have a reason for it.

Lord, I believe. Please help my unbelief.

Life update

XTax was fun. We didn't place, but it was a good experience. :)

Awana conference went really well. I had probably about ten people total at my first two workshops (trek and journey basic training) but they really went well, plus I was expecting low turnout at those two. The LIT workshop was overflowing, though. We quickly ran out of chairs and probably half the people in the room were sitting on the floor. I was really excited about how it went. The missionaries' kids wrapped my car in paper while we were at Rudy's afterwards...:P

Fall break was really nice. Came up with a really cute halloween costume idea. Speaking of halloween, any and all Baylor students really need to come to the swing halloween dance on October 30th. The theme is Phantom of the Opera. It's going to be amazing.

My roommate got a dog this weekend. Her name is Zuzu, she's a chihuahua mix and she's the cutest, sweetest thing ever. Love her already. :)

I might get to fly up to Chicago sometime before December 31st of this year.

What else? Oh yes, I get to go up to Howard Payne University next weekend and see some of my best friends in the entire world, including a couple I haven't seen for 10 months.

Cold weather is finally coming to Waco.

Life is good. :)

Not that anybody sends me flowers...

I saw this advertisement on the sidebar of my e-mail account today:

1-800-Flowers.com: Flowers and gifts to say I'm sorry. Order today.

I don't know why, but for some reason I thought, "Is that all that people think flowers and gifts are for? How sad."

I know I'd appreciate it a whole lot more if somebody sent me flowers or bought me a gift "just because", rather than waiting until they need to apologize for something. "Just because" gifts are a rarity.

Yeah, totally random thought of the day...

Do I really give freely?

"You give freely to others without expecting anything in return: Yes/No"

I have almost always answered "yes" to the above question on the Myers-Briggs personality test--but lately, I have been wondering if I really give freely. I recently sent a friend of mine an encouraging text and was disappointed when I went the entire day without hearing back from her. I was thinking about that, and I realized that I do expect a lot in return for giving to others. I expect to be loved and appreciated. Sure, I'll feed you and not ask you to give me money or food in return. I'll buy you something and not expect you to pay me back. If you need a place to stay, mi casa es su casa. But if I do that for somebody and don't receive even a "thank you" or "I really appreciate you" in return, I feel disappointed. Perhaps I am not expecting anything physical. But I am expecting something in return.

I realized that I am not truly giving of myself freely. I always thought that I was doing a good job of being a servant. I realize now what a load of crap that thinking is. If I send you an encouraging text, I expect one back. If I feed you, I expect a "Thank you". If I tell you I love you, I expect you to at least smile back at me. If I share my burdens with you, I expect you to share your burdens with me.

Give of myself freely? Ha, whatever.

I started wondering, though, if these expectations are truly unreasonable. After all, can somebody really keep giving freely of themselves if no one is giving to them? Is that even possible?

I then realized how twisted that thinking was. I have a relationship with the God who created the universe. He holds everything in his hands. I need to look to him to fill up my "love tank", to shower me with blessings and to extend His grace to me. If I am looking to Him to provide me with everything I need-and I mean everthing-then I can easily give freely to others without ever running out of love to give.

Do I really give of myself freely to others? No, but I'm learning.

You Are Beautiful

"You are beautiful.

You are not broken.

You are not defective.

You are perfect

Because you were made by the Creator of the universe

And He doesn't make mistakes.

There is nothing about you

That makes you unlovable.

No matter what

You will never be alone.

No matter what

You will never be unloved.

No matter what

You will never be unwanted.

You are beautiful."

It's amazing how words meant for someone else can bless your socks off as well.

When God Uses Google...(and a random, undeserving girl)

Apparently, I lot of people I don't know have stumbled across my old blog, God Said It Best. I have not updated that blog in over a year, but now I'm wondering if I should...or maybe I should just import the posts over to this blog.

I just found out a couple of days ago that if you Google "God does not care", a link from that blog is the first thing to pop up. When I found out, I was amazed and humbled. That God would use a search engine like Google, and a small article I wrote a long time ago to continue to reach out to people is just...mind-blowing. I'm not even sure how Google works, but from the (very little) knowledge I have, it doesn't really make sense why my post shows up first. All I know is that it does.

I've also been convicted about the stuff I post on here...while none of it is really bad, per se, I realized that a lot more people read this than I had previously realized, and I have not been using the online platform that God has provided for me to glorify Him. There's a lot of stuff He has been teaching me, and I haven't been faithful to write about it. This is something that I want to change.