I'll Let You Eavesdrop

God, can we talk for a minute?

Or rather, can I vent and you listen? Thanks.

I don't get it, God. I just don't get it. It really seems like You didn't think this one through. It seems like you went to a lot of trouble to make sure that I was at the wreck when it happened. From Adam gently pushing me to leave Brownwood so that I didn't drive in the incoming storm, to being pulled over by the policeman when I honestly thought I was fine, to getting lost and having to backtrack to Waco Drive...You sure did go to a lot of trouble to get the timing right.

For what reason, God? It doesn't seem to have made a difference that I was there.

I wasn't planning on becoming a lifeguard five years ago. That was a job that You pretty much handed to me. Because of that job, I have been training for years on how to respond in an emergency situation. I knew exactly what I needed to do. Even as I saw the men in the truck, the thoughts of "I need to check the ABCs...airway, breathing, circulation..." were right there in my mind, screaming at me. But I was helpless to do anything. Why? Because the door was in the way. It took at least five firemen leaning on the giant pliers to get the door loose. I could have done something, God. I was six inches away from helping them and a stupid piece of metal and glass kept me from doing so. You could have done something. Why didn't You?

Why did they have to die, God? I called 911 not even ten seconds after the wreck happened. EMS was there in less than five minutes. I couldn't have responded more quickly, God. But it wasn't soon enough.

God, all I'm trying to say is that it doesn't make sense. It really seems like you put a lot of thought into this one-from putting a job in my lap that would prepare me to respond to this five years ago to timing my driving down to the very second so that I was at the wreck but not caught in it...for no reason at all. I couldn't do anything, God. I was completely helpless to actually do anything. So it all seems pretty pointless, God.

I know that You're the all-knowing, all-powerful, all-perfect Creator of the universe and I am a pathetic, insignificant, doubting sinner who is nothing more than a blip on the screen, and therefore I'm in no position to ask You this. But I feel like You owe me an explanation. Because dang it, God, You did a pretty darn good job of planning this one out. You better have a reason for it.

Lord, I believe. Please help my unbelief.