Friday, November 27, 2009

"Anything less than yes is no
Anything less than stay is go
Anything less than 'I love you' is lying"

-Friends, Lovers, or Nothing, John Mayer

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I'm finally home...

First day of Thanksgiving break. I have been needing this break so badly. I have so much on my mind right now.

A lawyer called Monday morning about the accident. He called while I was in class and left a very vague message, so I have no clue which side he is on, what the two sides even are, or why he wants to talk to me. I haven't called him back, and he hasn't tried again. Hopefully he won't. But my gut (and my friend's dad who is a lawyer) says he likely will. Jordan and Marshall offered to take care of the lawyer for me should he continue to bother me. I really, really want to let them. But if I get subpoenaed to testify in court, then there's nothing they can do. They promised to protect me, and I want to believe them. But once I'm told I have to testify, there's nothing they can do. Their protection can only go so far. Really, there is only One who can fully protect me. It's just easier when you're protection has flesh and blood.

It's not that I'm scared I'll get hurt physically. I'm not concerned that someone will get upset at me and threaten me. I just don't know who's being tried for what, and what consequences my testimony could possibly have in whether or not someone goes to jail. And also, I'm concerned that I may have to testify at a time when so much else is happening. I can't concentrate on other stuff and deal with this at the same time. I texted Jordan Monday night and said "I am trying to stay calm, but this genuinely scares me." But what am I scared of? I guess I'm scared of my world being turned upside down again. Maybe my faith needs exercise. If I really did trust God to take care of this, I doubt I would feel this nervous.

That's what God has been teaching me lately, actually. Well, that and several other things. Faith and trust, and letting go of my need for control. Oh my goodness. I just barely realized this week how AMAZINGLY STUBBORN I really am. I don't want to be stubborn. Yes I want to be firm, I want to be steadfast. But I don't want to be stubborn. But I am. This also translates into a need for control. Which basically boils down to a lack of faith and trust in God. I want to let go. I want to let God take care of everything. But at a point in time where everything seems to be spiraling out of control, I only end up trying even harder to make sure everything is in place. Oh Lord, I am so hardheaded. Please help me...

I've realized that I know far less about guys that I originally supposed. I've had a LOT of guy friends growing up. I've read "For Women Only", "For Young Women Only", and "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". I know guys a lot better than a lot of my gal friends who have had boyfriends. Maybe I know guys decently well because I've never had a boyfriend. Whatever...anyways, the point is I thought I knew a lot about guys, but I realized that I don't really. Jordan and I got into a fight last Monday, and because of miscommunication issues didn't end up talking until Thursday. Worst three days of my life. We talked it all out on Thursday night...but ever since then, I keep thinking about our conversation, and light bulbs keep going off right and left. Oh my goodness. Guys are different from girls. DUH...

I'm trying to decide what I want to get involved in next semester. I was originally thinking debate. I did debate in high school and LOVED it. I've also been considering student government. But I don't want to do both. I want to choose one or the other. Debate is what I've done before and what I know I love and am passionate about. But choosing debate would mean giving up swing dance. Student government, on the other hand, would allow me to continue being involved in swing dance. But I've never done student government before, and I don't know if I would love it as much as debate. Gah...

Also having to choose between majors and minors. I was originally thinking I'd double major in non-profit marketing and management. Then I thought I'd add on a communication minor. Then I realized that would mean 18 hour semesters from here on out. I'm not willing to do that. So keep the management major, or the communication minor, or....?

I won't do all three, though. For the same reason I won't do student government and debate at the same time. Am I an overacheiver? Yes. BUT-I'm not crazy about school. I would rather have one or two things to focus on, and cook my own dinner from scratch at night then run around doing everything. There's a domestic side to me that needs to be nurtured. Even if I'm not "homemaker" material...I'm still a woman. And to me, that means not losing the homemaker side of me, even when I do have what it takes to be competitive in the business school and eventually become a wealthy CEO.

Speaking of the domestic side of stuff...I started knitting today. The first couple of rows were lessons in patience. But once I started getting the hang of it, I realized it's really relaxing. I'm so proud of myself. I eventually want to get to the point where I can knit my own sweaters. But I'll just make scarves for now. I feel so accomplished, able to add just one more skill to the list of what I can do...

I've been thinking a lot about my future plans. I thought that upon graduation I would move to Chicago and work for Awana. But a few things have changed just even in the past two weeks that have caused me to reconsider that. I now have no real clue what I want to do upon graduation. Chicago may still be the plan. Teach for America in Dallas, Houston, Austin, or anywhere else could be another possible plan. I may just get married. The plan could be something totally different that I can't see right now.

I walked around downtown Austin just a little bit today, and I realized just how much I love downtown of anywhere. Be it Waco, Austin, Dallas, Chicago...I am a city girl through and through. There are aspects of the country I love. There are aspects of small towns that I love. But I think, deep down, that the DNA of my soul says "city girl".

If you made it through all that rambling, I am super impressed.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Dear American Culture

Dear American Culture,

I sympathize with your strongly expressed "J" personality. Being an ESTJ myself, I can relate to really liking to have things planned out in advanced and not having to worry about it. However, I think you've gone a little too far. When I have to decide housing for the 2010-2011 school year in November of 2009, when I have to decide plans for summer 2010 when it's not even December 2009, and when I have to have an idea of what I want to do after graduation so I can decide on stuff like majors and summer plans now, things have definitely gone too far. I'm not even the same person now I was a week ago. How in the world do I know what's going to be going on in several months or years? I would really, really appreciate being given more time to decide on things like this. For example, being able to figure out summer plans in March, housing in May, and post-graduation plans senior year would be awesome.


I should quite trying... figure out God's plan and just go with the flow. Because this is what happens when Shaney tries to figure out God's plan:

Today: "Sweet, it all makes sense!"
Tomorrow: "...that doesn't make any sense at all."

Which is why I absolutely despise trying to make summer plans when it's not even December yet.

Internship with Awana in Chicago?
Internship with Teach for America in Houston?
Youth ministry internship in Austin (or elsewhere)?
Back to my lifeguarding job?
Other job?
Two jobs?
Camp Nikos?
Something else not on this list?

...any combination of any of the above?

Good grief.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The scariest prayer I've ever prayed?


Please don't let things go back to normal until I've taken significant steps toward loving, trusting, and relying on you, and letting go of my pride and need for control. I don't care how long that is, please wait as long as it takes. This is a real opportunity for me to grow closer to You, and I want to take it. Please don't fix things just yet.

I can't believe I just asked that, but I really think I genuinely mean it.


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Composing and Writing

Parts of the two songs I've been working on lately (Side note: I've actually been going to the music building during my breaks and playing the relaxing...):

The chorus of my most recent song, imagine it being sung in the style of Relient K:

Because I call you then we end up in a fight
I hate you but I need you in my life
I love you but you frustrate me so
Why can't we just let this all go?
When I cry you hold me all night long
Too many emotions, and so I write this song
I know I've been handed everything
But I'm not sure that you are what I want anymore

This is actually part of a song I wrote senior year in high school, but I never felt like I finished it. Imagine it set to a piano ballad:

Blood flows down from the one on the cross
Someone else's gain has resulted in His loss
Because He cared He took it all
Every sin since the fall
And the innocent hangs in agony

You never thought that it would hurt this much to care
This heavy burden, oh, it's just too much to bear
And so you lie awake at night
Pray and cry and fight the fight
And your heart cries out in agony

God are you there?
God do you care?
Why are You leaving me here to bleed and die?
God can't you see?
What is your plan for me?
Why are you leaving me here to bleed and die?

"My God, My God, oh, why hast Thou forsaken Me?
My God, My God, oh, why hast Thou forsaken Me?"

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Spring 2010 Class Schedule

CSS 1301-01-Fundamentals of Public Communication-English-MWF 8:00-8:50
ECO 2307-01-Principles of Macroeconomics-Mencken-MWF 10:10-11:00
QBA 2305-04-Business Data Analysis 2-Hulme-MWF 11:15-12:05
ACC 2304-05-Managerial Accounting-Bryant-MW 2:30-3:45
MKT 3305-06-Principles of Marketing-Blocker-TTh 12:30-1:45
MGT 3305-08-Organizational Behavior-Norris-TTh 2:00-3:15

For anyone who's counting, that's 6 classes, 18 hours. I'm so amazingly excited about this schedule.

Pray for Sarah Ruth

Hey everyone,

If you wouldn't mind praying for my friend Sarah, that would be awesome.

(Okay, so "my friend" is a bit of an understatement. More like "The girl who knows me better than I know myself because I've known her since she was 8 and I was 9 and I spent a huge chunk of my life at her house and saw her more frequently than anyone else during high school save my family, and one time her dad asked me where the other half of "Sarah-Shaney" was, and we always will be bestest friends/sisters by choice for forever and alwaaaaaaaaaayz....anyway...)

She passed out in the bathroom yesterday, fell and hit her head, went to the ER and now has five stitches...the doctors did an EKG and found out that she has a short PR interval in her heart rate, which basically makes her more prone to passing out. She's going to need to see a cardiologist about that...she's doing well, but please pray that she continues to stay that way and that she will find the right cardiologist, and that she can monitor this problem well, or hopefully just take care of it altogether.

That is all...

Friday, November 13, 2009

Psalm 63

O God, You are my God; early will I seek you; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh longs for you in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water. So I have looked for You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory. Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. Thus I will bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips. When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice. My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me. But those who seek my life, to destroy it, shall go into the lower parts of the earth. They shall fall by the sword; they shall be a portion for jackalls. But the king shall rejoice in God; everyone who swears by Him shall glory; but the mouth of those who speak lies shall be stopped.

Lord, may I desire you with the same passion that David did.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I finally have *my* life back?

I've decided I'm going to write a book. What about? I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we? I'm *planning* on being done with the book by January, but we'll have to see if God has other plans...

I took my last test of my second round of tests yesterday (thanks to the accident and rescheduling tests, I had one test every day Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday-Friday-Monday). And, after two weeks of my world being turned upside-down, I walked out of the business school and realized...I'm free! I don't remember the last time I felt such a burden lifted off my shoulders. At lunch, when I saw Jordan I said "Give me a hug!" and then said "I finally have my life back!"

I've been thinking about that, I really have my life back? Was it ever really my life in the first place? Did God really mean for me to go through two weeks of hell...just for life to return to the way it was? I don't think so. Surely all this was for something. And now I'm trying to figure that out. Which is mainly what I want to write my book about.

In other news, I got to the final round of the Ethics SLAM! today, which means I go head-to-head with another guy in my class next Tuesday to see who wins $300 and who wins $150. All that speech training high school is literally paying off. :)

What else? Oh yes, apartment hunting. Gathering info, making spreadsheets, comparing plans with three other girls and trying to find the right one. Is it weird that I actually love this process?

Praying about a lot of stuff...summer plans (internship up in Chicago, or stay at home and work like crazy, or both, or neither...?), plans for next year (debate team possibly?), and degree plans (communication minor? Keep both majors or drop one?). Wow, I just said "plans" a lot. Sometimes I think that it would be easier to be a "P" rather than a "J" on the Myers-Briggs personality test. Because while I know God is a "J" (after all, He had everything planned out before the foundation of the world), it seems He acts more like a "P". Or at least, forces us to act more like "P's".

I should write about my weekend in Brownwood soon. Because of the accident, I never did get around to it like I planned, but too much happened just to let it slip by...

Monday, November 2, 2009


Today, I realized that I have lost control of my life.

Then I remembered that God has it.

MLIOK (My Life Is OK)

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Family Prayer

Mindy called a "family prayer meeting" tonight. Oh my goodness. It was amazing. I've really been needing this. It was so healthy. Mindy, Erika, Carroll, Stephen, Jordan, and Mindy's roommate Chloe were all there. Many tears were shed...many requests were shared...there was much laughter, and much prayer. It was amazing. I'm pretty sure we're planning to do this every week, and words can't express how grateful I am for that.