I'm finally home...

First day of Thanksgiving break. I have been needing this break so badly. I have so much on my mind right now.

A lawyer called Monday morning about the accident. He called while I was in class and left a very vague message, so I have no clue which side he is on, what the two sides even are, or why he wants to talk to me. I haven't called him back, and he hasn't tried again. Hopefully he won't. But my gut (and my friend's dad who is a lawyer) says he likely will. Jordan and Marshall offered to take care of the lawyer for me should he continue to bother me. I really, really want to let them. But if I get subpoenaed to testify in court, then there's nothing they can do. They promised to protect me, and I want to believe them. But once I'm told I have to testify, there's nothing they can do. Their protection can only go so far. Really, there is only One who can fully protect me. It's just easier when you're protection has flesh and blood.

It's not that I'm scared I'll get hurt physically. I'm not concerned that someone will get upset at me and threaten me. I just don't know who's being tried for what, and what consequences my testimony could possibly have in whether or not someone goes to jail. And also, I'm concerned that I may have to testify at a time when so much else is happening. I can't concentrate on other stuff and deal with this at the same time. I texted Jordan Monday night and said "I am trying to stay calm, but this genuinely scares me." But what am I scared of? I guess I'm scared of my world being turned upside down again. Maybe my faith needs exercise. If I really did trust God to take care of this, I doubt I would feel this nervous.

That's what God has been teaching me lately, actually. Well, that and several other things. Faith and trust, and letting go of my need for control. Oh my goodness. I just barely realized this week how AMAZINGLY STUBBORN I really am. I don't want to be stubborn. Yes I want to be firm, I want to be steadfast. But I don't want to be stubborn. But I am. This also translates into a need for control. Which basically boils down to a lack of faith and trust in God. I want to let go. I want to let God take care of everything. But at a point in time where everything seems to be spiraling out of control, I only end up trying even harder to make sure everything is in place. Oh Lord, I am so hardheaded. Please help me...

I've realized that I know far less about guys that I originally supposed. I've had a LOT of guy friends growing up. I've read "For Women Only", "For Young Women Only", and "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". I know guys a lot better than a lot of my gal friends who have had boyfriends. Maybe I know guys decently well because I've never had a boyfriend. Whatever...anyways, the point is I thought I knew a lot about guys, but I realized that I don't really. Jordan and I got into a fight last Monday, and because of miscommunication issues didn't end up talking until Thursday. Worst three days of my life. We talked it all out on Thursday night...but ever since then, I keep thinking about our conversation, and light bulbs keep going off right and left. Oh my goodness. Guys are different from girls. DUH...

I'm trying to decide what I want to get involved in next semester. I was originally thinking debate. I did debate in high school and LOVED it. I've also been considering student government. But I don't want to do both. I want to choose one or the other. Debate is what I've done before and what I know I love and am passionate about. But choosing debate would mean giving up swing dance. Student government, on the other hand, would allow me to continue being involved in swing dance. But I've never done student government before, and I don't know if I would love it as much as debate. Gah...

Also having to choose between majors and minors. I was originally thinking I'd double major in non-profit marketing and management. Then I thought I'd add on a communication minor. Then I realized that would mean 18 hour semesters from here on out. I'm not willing to do that. So keep the management major, or the communication minor, or....?

I won't do all three, though. For the same reason I won't do student government and debate at the same time. Am I an overacheiver? Yes. BUT-I'm not crazy about school. I would rather have one or two things to focus on, and cook my own dinner from scratch at night then run around doing everything. There's a domestic side to me that needs to be nurtured. Even if I'm not "homemaker" material...I'm still a woman. And to me, that means not losing the homemaker side of me, even when I do have what it takes to be competitive in the business school and eventually become a wealthy CEO.

Speaking of the domestic side of stuff...I started knitting today. The first couple of rows were lessons in patience. But once I started getting the hang of it, I realized it's really relaxing. I'm so proud of myself. I eventually want to get to the point where I can knit my own sweaters. But I'll just make scarves for now. I feel so accomplished, able to add just one more skill to the list of what I can do...

I've been thinking a lot about my future plans. I thought that upon graduation I would move to Chicago and work for Awana. But a few things have changed just even in the past two weeks that have caused me to reconsider that. I now have no real clue what I want to do upon graduation. Chicago may still be the plan. Teach for America in Dallas, Houston, Austin, or anywhere else could be another possible plan. I may just get married. The plan could be something totally different that I can't see right now.

I walked around downtown Austin just a little bit today, and I realized just how much I love downtown of anywhere. Be it Waco, Austin, Dallas, Chicago...I am a city girl through and through. There are aspects of the country I love. There are aspects of small towns that I love. But I think, deep down, that the DNA of my soul says "city girl".

If you made it through all that rambling, I am super impressed.