If you asked me what sin I struggle with the most, I would tell you that pride is my greatest struggle. Humility does not come naturally to me. This weekend, God decided to give me a lesson in humility. Although it hurt, I am so thankful He did, because "God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble." (James 4:6, 1 Peter 5:5)
For those of you who don't know, I have been involved with a ministry in Austin called Mission:Possible! since I was twelve years old. One of the ministries they have is a camping ministry, where they take inner-city kids out camping for a week or weekend. They do four camps a year-a weekend spring retreat, a week-long summer camp, a five-day summer road trip, and a weekend fall retreat. I have been a counselor at these camps since I was thirteen years old. I absolutely love this ministry with my whole heart and love being able to serve God by loving these kids. Through this ministry I have learned so much about myself, others, and God. This past weekend was the fall retreat, and I was going for my sixteenth time as a counselor.
When I got there, I was already dead tired thanks to staying up until almost two the night before talking with Jonathan, Grant, and Stephen at Common Grounds, but I made sure to get a really good night's sleep on Friday to be prepared for the kids coming on Saturday. I was the most experienced counselor there, and I was excited to get to love on these kids again...or so I thought. Looking back now, I realize that I let the fact that I had done this so many times before get to my head, and I started relying on my experience and my own strength instead of depending on God to work through me. God set it up perfectly: Friday night, Tres talked about how oftentimes we expect to have so much energy because "God will give us energy" when in reality God often give us barely enough energy to make it through the day, just so we know that it was Him working and not us in our own strength.
So Saturday comes, I wake up feeling great and excited about the kids coming. We do some last minute preparation, and the kids arrive around 10:30. My fellow counselors and I got our girls and we plunged right into the activities. During the afternoon, I actually lifeguarded for four hours straight instead of going to all the different activities with my girls, but it was okay because we actually ended up with four counselors to three girls (which NEVER happens at a Nikos retreat!) so we had a one-to-one camper/counselor ratio (which is ideal, but we also thought would never, ever happen in a million years. God is good!) I make it through the afternoon...boring but still okay. Dinner comes, and I start getting a headache. After dinner was going to be a flour bomb fight, but I KNEW there was absolutely no way I was going to be able to make it through. So I told my fellow counselors that I was going to go sleep my headache off...half an hour later I wake up and my head is KILLING me. I swear, my brain turned to lead. It felt so heavy, and it was THROBBING. As much pain as I was in, I forced myself out of the tent and went and found Mrs. Pinson, who promptly sent me to the house to get painkillers. I took the painkillers, but found myself feeling nauseous, and ever time there was a light change it felt like an explosion in my head. I thought I had a migraine, but Mrs. Pinson said it was a sinus headache (she was right). The thought of spending the night in a tent in the woods was absolutely torturous. I knew there was no way I could make it, so I called my mom to come and pick me up.
So I got home, and was thinking about how sad it was that I was missing the rest of the retreat. I didn't get a chance to know my girls, I didn't get to see God work in their lives, I didn't get to see God working in ANYONE's lives. As I was thinking about this I started consoling myself by thinking "God's purposes for the weekend are still going to be accomplished for the weekend. Even without me there. In fact, if God's purposes would have been better accomplished with me there, He would have kept me there. Like Tres said, God gives us enough energy to make it through the day. He didn't give me that energy, so His plans must be better accomplished without me there...wait a minute."
God's plan was better accomplished with me out of the way.
OUCH!
And in that moment, I realized just how much of a prideful attitude I had about the whole retreat. I had been relying on my years of experience instead of relying on God. The hilarious part was, that morning I had prayed that God would give me humility: "Lord, let me see that it is not me working, but that it is You working through me." Well, apparently God decided that the best way to teach me humility was to NOT work through me, and to work through others instead. It was as if God was saying "I do not need your experience to accomplish my purposes. I want a heart that is dependent upon Me."
Ouch, ouch, ouch!
But you know what? It's okay. I am content with what happened, because I know God has a bigger and better plan. I also know that I am not even close to finished with learning humility. It is going to be a lifelong struggle, but I know that God loves me enough to keep patiently teaching me. I hope that it doesn't take me too long to learn, because I want to be someone that God can work through. I don't want my pride getting in the way.
So, how was the retreat? "Disappointing but good". Why? Because God is good. His plans are best, and He loves me enough to work in my life, even when it's not the way I would choose. After all, those whom the Lord loves, He chastises. I swallowed a big helping of chastisement this weekend, but I know that means that God loves me and is working on my character.
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