Life part 2

...there was a period of time for about 24 hours when I was really super worried about her. Reason being that I have a horrible tendency to assume worst-case scenarios. In this case, worst case scenario would be a brain tumor. I had several people tell me "It's probably nothing," but that didn't keep me from worrying one bit. This is probably because the possibility of a brain tumor hits waaaaaaay too close to home-my best friend died from a brain tumor when we were thirteen. Thank the Lord Shannon is completely okay, but that thought process got me thinking about death and life.

Growing up, I experienced the death of someone very close to me twice. The two experiences couldn't have been more polar opposites. As I already said, when I was thirteen, my best friend died from a brain tumor. This was very sudden (she died less than a week after she was diagnosed), and totally unexpected. Even when I heard the diagnosis, I was positive that if anyone could overcome something like that, Adrienne could. She was so full of life. When she did pass away, I was devastated. I had never cried so hard in my life, and I'm not sure I've ever cried as hard since. I was ANGRY at God. It took weeks of searching and seeking before I finally came to the conclusion that I still believed in God, and that I believed that He is good. Although the experience made my faith so much stronger, it also started me down a path that could have easily caused me to walk away from my faith.

In complete contrast, when I was seventeen, my great-grandmother died at age 104. Unlike Adrienne's death, Nana's death was completely expected, and the "dying process" had taken place over several months. I was not upset when she passed away. In fact, I thanked God that she was in a better place, no longer in pain. I didn't even cry until over a month after she passed away.

I was thinking about these two ladies of faith and the vastly different experiences I had when the Lord called them home. But then I realized that there was one thing both of them had in common.

Both of them had honored God with their lives and fulfilled His purpose for them.

And I started thinking-if I were to die tomorrow, would I be ready? Could people say that I had honored God with my life and fulfilled His purpose for me?

I want to live life ready to die. But what does that look like? I started thinking about all the different things I wanted to do with my life. God has given me a dream to adopt a large family. I'm currently studying to be a nurse. When will God's purpose for my life be complete? After the last child has grown and left the house? After I serve God as a nurse for so many years?

But then I stopped, and I thought...what if I died tomorrow? Could I give up my dreams if God would be glorified more in my death? If God were to be more glorified in my death, then how would I measure the life I have lived so far? How do I know if I am ready to die?

Then the answer came to me...all I need is Jesus. And I realized that as long as I am learning to love Jesus more and more each day, I am ready to die. When I think about Adrienne, the first thing that comes to my mind wasn't the times we would look in magazines and point out which guys were cute and which guys were ugly. The first thing that comes to my mind isn't even doing dance ministry together. The first thing that comes to my mind is...she loved Jesus. Adrienne was ready to die because she loved Jesus, and served Him as a result of that love.

I don't know when God is going to call me home. Although Nana died peacefully in her sleep, there was a moment several months before that when I was visiting her in the rehabilitation home when she started to suffocate from fluid buildup in her lungs. I remember standing there helplessly waiting for EMS to arrive, thinking "I am going to watch my own flesh and blood die right here in front of me!" God didn't call Nana home at that moment-but He could have. He can call me home at any time.

I want to be ready. I want to live ready to die. I want love Jesus.

In the end, that's all that matters.